Breaking News

This just in: a local news story that's guaranteed to have an undisclosed effect on the temperature of your heart.

Apply To Affected Areas Only

You know how the one thing you're not supposed to do with cotton swabs is clean your ears? And how the only thing that anybody uses cotton swabs for is to clean their ears? This is like that, but stickier.

It's Kind of a Misleading Name

Sometimes, names are helpful labels. They're ways to quickly summarize and convey what a person, place, or thing is and what it's about. And sometime they're a FUCKING TEASE GODDAMMIT AAAGHHUGRGHH

The Wasps' Nest

Home-ownership brings with it many challenges, especially now that epi-pens are so goddamn expensive.

The Torch Is Passed

Some things just shouldn't be passed from father to son. Here's a short list I just thought up: sexual partners, juggaloism, an enthusiastic love for Guy Fieri, herpes simplex virus...

Media Organization

Google tries its best to provide a functional cloud-based music service. I swear they'd be able to do it if they just stopped taking ayahuasca.

He Knows

Ho ho ho! It's not even close to Christmas, but we just want to remind you that Santa is a real human being who is still forced to exist all year long! Ho ho ho!

Wedding Night Tips

Well, it's the night after your big day, and we all now what that means, right? Of course we do. We all definitely, completely do. I mean, I know. For sure. Do you? Boy, I just feel sorry for anyone who doesn't know. Gosh that must be embarrassing.

Gift Registry

Don't you just hate when you're the last one to look at the gift registry for a wedding and all the good gifts are already taken?

Five Things to Remember on Your Wedding Day

It's your big day! Things can get pretty hectic, and it's easy to overlook even the most important details, so we've compiled a handy list to help make your day as special as you deserve.

The Dark Ritual

Finding someone in this world can be hard, especially when you have such high standards.

The Highest Standard of Care

We've all had to go to the hospital at one point or another, but I for one sleep better at night knowing there are some true professionals on the job when I need them.

Tips for Getting Out of Meetings

So your co-worker Dan scheduled another two hour meeting for this afternoon? That fucker. That's your special time. Don't worry though, we've got your back with these handy tips for getting out of any meeting.

How am I Driving?

We've all been there. Driving behind someone who clearly shouldn't be trusted with the responsibility. What's more rare is getting the opportunity to truly understand this other driver.

Another Letter to Editor by Vladimir Putin

Dear Comrades, I am Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, greatest all-powerful democratic ruler of greatest Mother Russia.Western news media has made much story of recent Putin absence from public appearance for ten days. Putin now explain this.


In an effort to continue staying "hip" and "with it" we have stumbled upon one of the latest trends taking place in da club. Needless to say, we have canceled all such efforts for the future.

Actual World Cup Match or Random Collection of Letters and Colors?

Continuing the grand tradition started by our 2014 Winter Olympics game: Sochi or Fallout?, we bring you our newest game based on the World Cup. Use your deductive skills to decide whether each matchup is between two actual countries or just some bullshit we made up.


Everyone needs to take a step back once in a while and take an honest look at themselves. Well, not like, too honest. That'd just be weird.

5 Factors Contributing to Climate Change That We Can Stop Right Now

Climate change is real. Science has proven it. And we know exactly how to make a huge difference, right now. We need to kill your mother and launch her into the sun.

Daddy Doin's

We all came from somewhere, and I think it's time for an open and honest discussion on the topic.