Drowning: A Tale of Survival

You know what probably really sucks to experience? Drowning.

You know what sucks even more, and is super embarrassing? Being the pussy that drowned.

Drowning is often said to be the worst way to die (Source: I Googled "drowning is totally the worst way to die amirite" and found a discussion on IGN’s forums). Many incorrectly attribute this to the slow realization of your demise and the pain and fear of slowly running out of air. While what I just said makes perfect sense and seems like infallible logic, it isn’t true. Drowning is the worst way to die because it is embarrassing and 100% preventable in every single scenario.

Before I enlighten you as to how to make drowning impossible, allow me to first outline many worse ways to die.

Fire (7/10)

Fire is hot. Like, really hot. I'm not a scientist of anything other than sandwiches, but fire is so hot that it can burn even your precious frozen pizza. Think of the atrocities fire has committed to your pizza, and imagine your body being violated in such a fashion. On top of the pain of fire searing your flesh, you have to deal with the the mental anguish created as you smell the delicious scents of yourself cooking. Eventually you burn past the point of being tasty, and just keeping charring up until you are nothing more than ash. Then some asshole walking his dog will come by, and his dog will piss on you - ending any dignity you had previously convinced yourself you had.

Bears (9/10)

Do I really need to explain this one? We’ve covered this in depth and really at this point if nothing has sunk in you are beyond helping, and probably are stupid enough to be susceptible to drowning. A death by bear is excruciating, but proud in the knowledge that you are a part of something much, much greater than our mortal human world.

Christopher Walken (12/10)

This one is really a crap shoot, and it all depends on how sexually frustrated Mr. Walken is. You could have the time of your life, going out in a fit of giggling and laughter. Or you could be found three weeks later in the trunk of a Geo Metro looking like a porcupine made out of sharpened toothbrushes with a wooden dowel in your anus, which we can only surmise was used as some sort of rudimentary ramrod. For the sake of simplicity, and the fact that we simply are do not posses the depravity required to come up with every scenario that lives in that man's head, we'll average the worst case scenario (23 out of 10) and best case (1 out of 10) for a score of 12.

The Nine Day Erection (6.9/10)

The nine day erection is truly a silent killer. Drowning is not the terrifying setting in of fear and panic as you slowly die; the raging pants monster is. How many times have you been calmly sitting at your desk only to suddenly feel a stirring in the dragon's keep? Great, now you need to sit and look at your TPS reports until things settle down. You can't just get up and walk around to get a coffee with that beacon of manliness shining proudly for all to see and most likely laugh at. (For our female readers, we assume the vagina works much the same, though we have no experience with which to back up this assertion.) However, with the nine day erection, you can’t just "TPS report" it away. Your entire life comes to a complete standstill. "Oh look, Jim is staying late at work tonight, he works so hard!" No. You are staying at your desk because you can't leave with the beast in control. Night turns to day, and still you sit, bathed in the glow of your monitor, hands blistered from trying to manually coax the demon into submission. Time no longer matters, you are simply there. People don't even acknowledge you after the second day, after all you've been shitting yourself in that position for 2 days now. On the fourth day, they fire you, but you don't know that, because you couldn't leave your desk to go to the meeting. By the ninth day you can't even call yourself a person. Every facet of your body has withered away, except your tiny soldier. He stands proudly attention. You eventually slam your head in your desk drawer until you perish.

How to "cure" drowning.

Drink it.

Seriously, if you are drowning, don't panic and try to breathe that shit. You are not a fish-man like Kanye West. However, you do have the ability to open that useless mouth-hole of yours and just start drinking. Keep drinking and drinking and drinking. Problem solved. You are now adequately hydrated and look like a complete boss having gone from hopelessly flailing like a pathetic child in the deep end of a pool, to that badass who consumed the pool simply because it inconvenienced you.

And you know what, drowning is just downright inconsiderate now that I think about it. There are places on this planet where people don't have any drinkable water. They eat sand or something for nutrition (I'm not really sure, like I said, only a Ph.D in sandwiches over here). For you to sit idly by and allow yourself to waste away in such a precious body of water is a complete slap in the face to those people. In their eyes you were blessed to be placed in such a situation, so show some fucking tact and drink your water.

Finally, I can hear some smart ass in the back asking about "what if you're drowning in a river of poo?" Do you think for some reason that changes the rules? Open up, and start drinking. It's an acquired taste, you'll catch on in no time.

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