Here we are in another new year after another wildly successful holiday season. Joy and happiness were spread to all mankind, family and friends shared the warmth of the season, and Pope got sick, so now he’s pissed off at the world. Join us as we help you create your own successful holiday season in five easy steps.
Make plans. Plans upon plans and plans for your plans, and backup plans for your plans in case your plan for a plan falls through. You can never over-plan; spontaneity is the enemy. If at all possible, make sure these plans are as expensive and unchangeable as you can. Contact any major airlines to discuss ways in which you can pay to fly loved ones in to visit during this time with no chance of refund. What could possibly go wrong? Be sure to explain to them just how much fun you’re going to have together and list all the fantastic activities you’ll be taking part in. Anything that requires a large down payment or any prerequisite commitment of time or energy is ideal for this stage.
2. Get Flu
Wait what no that’s a terrib-
3. Die Slowly
No I don’t want to you can’t make me.
Oh holy shit you did. What is even happening to me right now.
4. Be Corpse
Has it been an entire month already? I should probably take a shower. I think I just watched all sixteen seasons of something on Netflix, but I can’t entirely remember if that was actually a show or just a black screen with a dull humming. I’m fairly certain that HDMI cable is supposed to be plugged into something. Either way it was very entertaining. I think.
Before I start the next few seasons, I think I’ll just enjoy my delicious dinner of warm air and the vague memory of concepts such as food and hunger and successful breathing.
5. Go Back to Work
You might note that a presumed step is missing from this guide, something along the lines of: “get better.” You would be wrong. There is no better. There never was. Any time you previously felt even remotely okay in your life before this point is a false memory retroactively added to your mind by your delirium. Now get your lazy ass back to work and bring the joy of your holiday season to all those unlucky enough to call themselves your coworkers. Or random passers-by on the street. Or fellow train passengers. Really, anyone. Just cough on all of them. If I can never experience happiness again, then neither shall anyone else.