It’s been more than a full week since Apple announced the newest versions of its phone and tablet OS, iOS 8, and its desktop and laptop OS, OS X 10.10 Yosemite. We’ve been using the first available betas non-stop since then, and we’re here to show you some of the new features that were overlooked in the keynote demos.
Our Favorite New iOS Features
Flesh Interface
If you’re like me, you often don’t even bother replying to texts or emails simply because even thinking about the amount of effort to unlock your phone, open a reply, and tap out each individual letter of your response is just exhausting. Thankfully, Apple has again responded to our every need with SoulCapture, a service that allows you to physically connect your iDevice directly to your brain and control it with your mind, completely eliminating the need for any direct interaction. Surprisingly accurate and responsive, I have experienced few, if any, issues in my full week of usage, including writing this very article god I wish I had some hot dogs right now, I would eat like sixty fucking hot dogs all in my mouth at once. Is that gay? Oh fuck it’s still writing. Current generation and older devices will be able to connect via a Lightning cable/syringe combo, while the new iPhone 6 will presumably be announcing a more elegant interface I could probably kill everyone in this room before the cops took me down.
Find Hookers Nearby
This feature is incredibly helpful for those late night cravings, but really needs a better interface than Siri exclusively. I can’t tell you the number of awkward conversations a simple bring me dem hoes button on the Today View would have saved me rather than having to try to whisper, “Siri, find me some strange,” without waking up my wife. Boy was there egg on my face during that whole divorce proceeding.
Security Upgrades
When it was first launched, Touch ID quickly gained wide adoption with iPhone 5S users, even significantly increasing the number of users who began passcode locking their phones. Now, Apple is taking their dedication to security to a whole new level. Not only will third party apps now be able to use Touch ID to verify in-app purchases and other secure actions, they will also have access to Retina ID, which allows users to securely authenticate by pressing one eye against the home button for 20 - 30 seconds without blinking, and Rectal ID, which streamlines the entire user verification process by allowing the user to simply insert the device into their colon. Now, if you’re like us, when you read about Rectal ID you’re probably thinking, “Way ahead of you there, Jobs!” Not so fast, cowboy. There are two important details you’ll want to take note of: 1. Steve Jobs is dead. Do you seriously not know that? It was pretty big news. 2. In order to securely and reliably verify your identity, Rectal ID will require a specialized case for your device to provide it with the necessary iBarbs and iTissueSamplers. So until those cases go on sale next month, you’re just shoving your phone up your ass for no reason, and Apple has stated that both anal-induced damage and colonic obliteration will void AppleCare warranties.
Touch ID and Retina ID are still only available on the iPhone 5S for now, but Rectal ID will be available on iPad immediately.
Our Favorite New OS X Features:
Software Hardware Upgrades
Apple is acutely aware of the ever-increasing hardware demands that newer software constantly requires. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve personally had the Genius Bar staple more bandwidth to my MacBook’s vacuum tubes just so I could ensure the latest cat gif would load at full 4k resolution. For too long Windows users have been spared these painful upgrades via software based hardware upgrades. Finally, this feature has come to the Mac world with Yosemite. We have discovered a few under-the-hood options in the beta release. In a Terminal window, entering diskutil eraseDisk JHFS+ /dev/disk0 appears to download fresh new CPUs from the cloud to your computer, making it faster than ever before. Pricing seems to be still undecided, as every time I open Terminal, I just see “$” symbol with no value, but once my upgrade finishes installing, I’m sure I’ll be flying faster than ever.
Built-in Sega Genesis
All Macs upgraded to Yosemite will come stocked with a fully functional Sega Genesis. Since Yosemite is still in beta, details and support are sparse, but Apple has promised full compatibility for all 27 Sonic the Hedgehog games at GM release time. We personally have not been able to get this new feature working on our Macs yet due to lack of documentation on where to stick your game cartridge. For now the AppleCare knowledge base article indicates to “simply keep blowing in the cartridge in case it’s dusty”, and the public support forums indicate “up your ass, idiot.” Which frankly, I don’t see happening due to the number of iPads currently occupying that space.
Beautiful New Wallpapers
The Yosemite beta continues the tradition of gorgeous HD OS X wallpapers with a lovely shot of El Capitan at Yosemite National Park, a solid bright green background which Jony Ive has stated represents every single aspect of humanity and life, and an extreme close-up of a single pore on Steve Jobs’ left testicle.
Translucency
As mentioned once or twice by Craig Federthehedgehog in the WWDC Keynote demo, Yosemite has made massive strides in the design department, specifically by adding translucency to every aspect of the system. From app sidebars and toolbars, to pop up menus and all text being displayed, even down to the desktop background and the physical hardware of the screen itself, every aspect of Yosemite Macs will be at least slightly translucent, as is the absolute height of design. While we of course unquestionably love the new aesthetic of a semi-transparent laptop, we recommend carrying a small briefcase filled with various colors of construction paper to hold up behind your screen for those rare occasions when you want to actually see what the fuck you’re looking at.