The Fantasy Football Draft Season is upon us once again; like the shadow of a dark pillar reaching all the way into the heart of the sun itself, it is inescapable. You’ve got your tablet waiting in the commissioner’s Zoom lobby, your laptop’s browser tabs waiting to perform deep research, snacks within reach, and a refreshing cold one chilling in its koozie. You’re ready for this. Wait! Hold on! You forgot to find out the name of even one professional football player! Come on, you know we wouldn’t leave you hanging like that, bud. Warranty Now Void has always got your back. Remember that. Write it down. Get it tattooed across your chest in reverse so that you see it every day in the bathroom mirror when you get out of the shower and never forget who keeps you safe in this world. This is WNV’s Guide to the 2020 Fantasy Draft!
First Round Picks
These are the best of the best, top tier, guaranteed winning picks. Make sure you get at least one of these for your team, or as many as you can hoard jealously from the rest of your friends and/or family in the league.
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The 1949 Philadelphia Eagles: Alright, we’re gonna level with you here, we don’t actually know that much about football, but we did a quick search for “good footballists” and people seem pretty jazzed about these guys so if you can snap up any, or potentially all of them then your team is probably going to be in great shape.
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My Dad: It’s common knowledge that he can kick your dad’s ass and that’s the kind of raw power a team needs to dominate. Either way, giving him such a prominent ranking on this list should make 2020 the year he’s finally proud of me.
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Tom Brady: Wait hold on I recognize that name, he’s good at this, right? Yeah, nice, okay get him that’s good. Great, see? What were you worried about, we can handle this.
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Bane (The Dark Knight Rises): This guy absolutely demolished the field back in 2012, single handedly taking almost every opposing player off the field in one play. It’s true that he’s gotten older but we’re fairly certain he hasn’t lost a step. Wait— he’s dead? Are you kidding me? Okay shit; okay hold on—
Later Round Picks
They may not be the cream of the crop, but a solid bench of these players will keep your team afloat by reliably producing points so your stars can shine all the brighter.
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Any Rugby Player: Have you ever watched a rugby match? These people are some of the toughest motherfuckers on the planet. They could absolutely demolish any NFL team in a fair match, but unfortunately the No Fun League provides full body armor. Probably in case they run into a rugby player.
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The Humble Waterbear: While not the most glamorous of picks (those faces? Woofs) tardigrades are nearly impossible to kill. They’re able to survive everywhere from volcanoes to the vacuum of space, environments which produce forces far greater than any NFL team could hope to create. It’s hard to imagine even the best teams (as previously mentioned, The 1949 Philadelphia Eagles) managing to kill one of these little guys.
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Baseball Legend Jose Canseco: Okay you know what, just typing that out I do actually realize what the problem is here, but he took like, a bunch of steroids so I bet he’s fine at other sports too.
Bold Picks
If you’re looking to take a gamble that could really set you apart from the pack, then these are picks we think are worth the risk.
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A Series Of Elaborate Traps: You know what they say: If you can’t beat ‘em, maim ‘em! Nothing helps to rebalance a clear running back disadvantage quite as effectively as a well-concealed punji pit. Some commissioners may not allow team managers to go out and physically attack players on opposing teams, but if it’s not expressly forbidden in the league charter then this could be a huge come from behind pick.
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The Coronavirus: We all know how this season is going to end. Prematurely, due to a distinct lack of giving a shit about the health of both players and fans. If you can be the one who called it, that makes you the winner!
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A Different Hobby: The only way to solve the Kobayashi Maru is to change the parameters of the challenge. If you understood that reference, odds are good that you’re in the wrong recreational genre with fantasy football. Most league sites allow you to essentially let the computer run your team for you, so perhaps you can automate this thing and use your time on something else. Have you considered video games?
Picks to Avoid at any Cost
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HD-DVD: Boy what a stinker! Sure, the technology is functional, but Blu-ray is definitely the more widely adopted format. Sometimes you need to compromise your preferences to conform to standards in a given industry, and this is not the time to buck the trend.
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Kamala Harris: She’s busy.
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Julian Edelman: For the post-Brady era New England Patriots, it’s pretty likely that he’s going to be seeing far fewer targets, given the running-focused attack that we expect to see from the more conservative Brady-team this season. He’s still a star player for the Pats, but the risks for this now Brady-less, injury-prone, 34-year old receiver are just too high.