Cats

I would like to preface this by apologizing to 4chan, reddit, and the rest of the internet at large for taking a critical look at cats. I know it’s against the oath I took when joining the internets to never question and to solemnly defend the honor of all cats, but sometimes the establishment actually doesn’t know what’s best.

Cats is a musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber, based on a book of poems origina– wait what are we talking about? Cats? Seriously? The animal? Who the hell comes up with these ideas?

CATS, LIKE, THE ANIMAL

Cats are one of the most commonly kept pets in the world, and are often well known for being as cute as all fuck, and the main medium of communication on the internet. They are smart and adorable and furry, but I suspect them of harboring some dark ulterior motives.

THE GOOD

Cats often come with large, white, all-capitals statements or questions attached to them, commonly referencing cheezburgers. These “captions” have been adopted by the World Wide Web Consortium as the main carrier system for all messaging protocols that currently power the Internet. The proliferation and ubiquity of cat pictures with captions has far outpaced such old concepts as TCP/IP and HTTP, rendering cats the most widely used web technology in the world today. The adoption of the CHZBRGR protocol has had a number of outspoken opponents, especially in the computer science world, all of which 4chan has quickly hunted down and framed for possession of child pornography, leaving CHZBRGR the unchallenged standard of the web. In layman’s terms, all the data passed from one web server or client to another is first [encoded, then attached to one of the aforementioned “captions.” The cat then adorably gets up and walks away to find the destination and deliver the message, where it is decoded, and the cat is scratched behind the ears. This has been an exceptional challenge for NASA scientists to determine ways in which to communicate between orbiting sattelites and astronauts while preventing the cats from dying horrible deaths before relaying their messages.

Cats are relatively smart creatures, especially compared to their canine counterparts in the domesticated pet world. Where your average dog has no idea what kind of demonry/wizardy it is that gets food to appear in his bowl, your average cat will probably find a way to break into where you keep it and feed himself whenever he so pleases. They also continue to regularly outsmart us in an impressive display of getting what they want. Or maybe that’s just me. But seriously LOOK HOW CUTE HE IS AWW I’LL JUST GIVE HIM THE CHEESEBURGER HE WANTS SO MUCH AWWWWWW

Oh, a cat gif? Real original.

Well, they’re usually smart.

THE BAD

These little fuckers are covered in fur. It’s like hair but softer and less gross/awkward when you refer to it as “soft” and “comfortable”. Fur causes a number of problems, like getting all the hell over your stuff and making you look like you have your own fur, getting in your food and making it taste like it has its own fur, and generally floating around nearly invisibly, waiting to strike its victims. I’ll save you the guessing at what exactly my problem is and just come right out and say it: I’m allergic to cats. When I was younger, being around them for any extended period of time would cause my face to break out in hives, equal in both appearance and itchiness of a stripper’s vagina, but with less lost wedding rings inside it. Lately my body has seemingly adapted to my typical response of pounding a bottle of Benadryl, and started naturally producing its own. I skip the allergic reaction part and go straight to ready to pass out on the floor. While I can’t blame them for the fact that my personal biology doesn’t agree with their existence, I can blame them for being small, portable, and relentless fur generators. And that’s close enough for me.

As previously mentioned, cats are all kinds of intelligent, but also comes with a downside. They know too much. the only reason they tolerate our insistence that we are in fact their masters and owners and not the other way around is because of their lack of thumbs and a serious case of laziness. If for some reason we decided to stop feeding them and giving them warm laptops to sleep on, we would very likely find ourselves in the middle of a destructive reacquisition of power that will surely end in the demise of the human race as a whole.