Pokémon has had a wildly successful run in the United States, and the two new versions slated for release on October 12th will be no exception. We’ve spoken at length with our best friend down the street who totally got his hands on a stolen copy, and we’re excited to share our knowledge with all of you. There are a lot of rumors flying around out there, and we’re gonna crack the case wide open on all of them!
Online bacchanals of deviant carnal pleasure: CONFIRMED!
In a bold overhaul to the tried and true Pokémon formula, Gamefreak has completely eliminated the turn-based combat in favor of a rhythm-based sex simulator. Dress up as your favorite Pokémon and go to town on yourself or any of thousands of lovingly programmed NPCs! Using the 3DS WiFi, go online and get nasty with up to 16 friends at once! It’s compatible with the “Donkey Konga” bongo peripheral, and most standardized tele-dildonic devices. Full costumes will be available at all retail locations carrying the game on launch day. Adult sizes only, you sick bastard.
Anatomically correct Pokémon: CONFIRMED!
If you’re like me, you’ve always been haunted by one burning question while you were reading a new Pokédex entry: “Yeah, but how big is it’s DIIIIIIIIICK?” Wonder no more, brothers and sisters! Nintendo has confirmed that after months of painstakingly retrofitting every sprite from the last 5 generations, each Pokémon will have its own terrifyingly unique, fully-functional genitalia! No word yet on whether or not you can watch the metaphorical Metapod use “HARDEN,” but we can hope! For those taking full advantage of the 3DS’s capabilities, the new Poké-dongs are promised to be more realistic than any other virtual eye-fucking you’ve ever gotten!
Sims-esque Life Inside the Pokéball segments: CANCELLED!
The lives of our beloved Pocket Monsters go on well beyond the fights, orgies, and photo shoots (and combinations thereof) that we’ve seen in previous games, and one of our favorite rumors had, until now, finally brought us hope of filling in the missing pieces. Sources have confirmed that the Life Inside the Pokéball segment has been scrapped from development after an unprecedented ninety-six playtester suicides. It seems that the average human can’t handle being compressed and then trapped without light or food or the ability to move inside an airtight, 2 inch diameter sphere for more than five minutes before finally losing what little semblance of sanity they had left. Details on whether the rumored “maintain shallow breaths to conserve remaining oxygen” and “claw at the seam between the halves of the ball until your appendages bleed” minigames will be repurposed elsewhere in the game.
Expanding Pokémon’s Vocabularies: PARTIALLY CONFIRMED!
Pokémon had historically only ever been able to speak their own names, or make horrific digital screeches, but we had previously heard that was all about to change. Rumor had it that your Pokémon would be capable developing their own style and use of full language based on what they hear from the player speaking into the microphone. In reality, however, extensive playtesting has revealed that most players only ever use this feature to berate and generally spew profanities at their Pokémon while playing the game. So, rather than waste precious system resources on developing and evolving natural language speech patterns, the developers have opted to instead allow each Pokémon the ability to speak its own name, as well as anything from a pre-determined list of inappropriate profanities in the player’s selected language. I for one can’t wait to hear the first time my Charizard follows up a devastating flamethrower attack with a heartfelt “FUCKTARD.”
Another highly anticipated, though controversial addition to the Poké-verse in X and Y was the addition of a first-person shooter aspect, along with a full, realistic weapons arsenal and multiple upgradable skills and hardware, such as better aim, bigger magazines, and overall acuity for mowing down adorable animals and their often underage trainers. Players would essentially be offered a choice between spending hours training and building relationships with their Pokémon, developing a bond that transcends simply winning battles, and teaches the inherent value of hard work and friendship, or buying a bunch of guns and using them to murder and rob for more money to buy more guns. Unfortunately this feature has also been scrapped from the final version of the game, amidst concerns that it would destroy the delicately cultivated balance of difficulty vs reward that the series has been building for years. Though rumor has it the new Elite Four are prone to a bug causing them to revert to their FPS defense mode, in which the player will be sprayed with machine gun fire and grenades upon entering the gym. No word yet on a patch ETA from Nintendo.
And there you have it, folks, the future of Pokémon, coming soon to a DS near you. We’d like to thank our friend Randy for his help in getting this information to us ahead of the release, and showing us at length the new motion-sensitive control system, which functions by closing the DS around your penis and vigorously moving it up and down to simulate battle actions. We’re not sure how exactly it works, but from Randy’s facial expressions, it seems to be very intuitive.