The Nintendo Conspiracy

While it’s common knowledge that Mario’s world is in fact a drug-enhanced projection created by his subconscious mind taking over the slack for a consciousness that has long been unable and unwilling to interpret the waking nightmare that is his real life, there is a lesser-known subtext to the popular series that belies a hidden agenda on the part of a massive multinational corporation. The mushroom-headed character Toad is an allegory for drug dealers and pushers, and Nintendo is teaching the children in its target audience that these people are good and helpful and should be trusted as close friends and advisors, in order to build an entire generation of drug-dependent subjects conditioned to submit to and truly believe in the rule of Nintendo’s empire.

The most overt metaphor is the mushroom. In the game, a mushroom will make you bigger and stronger, and more resilient against your enemies. As we all know, video games are the fundamental building blocks upon which children base their entire moral and social frameworks. This game, much as Doom taught my generation to become blood-thirsty, merciless killers, is instilling the idea that drugs such as mushrooms help you get through life. When compared to the other power-ups available in the game, including a Marijuana plant that allows you to comfortably relax a safe distance from the bad guys, and a bright, powdery star that makes you run faster and become completely invincible, the imagery is inescapable.

Toad and his other mushroom-wearing dealer friends appear throughout the Mario games offering advice and items (more drugs) to help you progress. Even when you don’t approach him, he always finds a way to contact you to let you know that he has something new that you absolutely need, but manages to keep stringing you along the the path he’s painstakingly crafted for you. “Sorry, buddy, our princess is in another castle. Guess you’ll just have to stock up on mushrooms before you head over to the next world, huh?” It seems that someone has known all along where the princess really was, but rather than sharing that information, has guided Mario down a path containing such dangers that he is told can only be defeated with Toad’s help.

Ask any “serious” gamer what he thinks of Nintendo’s most recent offerings and he will tell you that they are childish and for casual gamers only. The Wii console is the top-selling of its generation, bringing a Nintendo presence to nearly every home in the United States, Japan, and Europe. Their propaganda and pushing has now arrived in the living rooms of even those who typically do not play video games. The endgame is nigh. With the latest installments in the Mario franchise becoming more and more fever-dream-esque, the indoctrination is nearly complete and Nintendo’s time to strike is soon. If I do not post again, I’ve probably succumbed and am playing Pokémon or something. And, don’t even get me started on that shit.