The holiday season is in full swing here at WNV, and we were hoping to share a little of our spirit with all of you. Spirits, more accurately. Here are a few of our favorite thanksgiving drinks to help you get weird this year.
The Dirty Birdy
3oz of whiskey poured over chicken or turkey bouillon cubes. Served in a highball glass at room temperature.
The Legacy of Our People
1oz whiskey, 1oz small pox, and 1oz native american tears. Shake well, lie while imbibing, and chase by forcing someone to walk west until they’re dead. Purists sometimes follow it up by half-assing an apology 200 years later.
The Last of the Mojitos
1/2 cup of naivete, 3 qts despair, and a mojito. Drink mojito while reflecting on the once proud civilization your ancestors were a part of. Sell tears to white devils trying to make “Legacy of Our People”s.
The Angry Pilgrim
Years of religious persecution, and 3oz PCP. Consume while wearing a dope-ass buckle hat.
The White and Tan
Two shots Bailey’s, two shots milk. Separate with racially misguided first grade Thanksgiving play. Drink Bailey’s just to make suffering through your nephew’s attempt at speaking in public less terrible. I mean, you don’t like the little bastard anyway, so no worries if you didn’t see him struggle through his two whole lines. Chase with milk when your brother and the other parents in the PTA notice you didn’t bring enough to share.
The Expansion Pack
3 oz of black seal rum, a pithy handful of beads, and thousands of smallpox blankets. Serve cold-heartedly.
The In-Law Neutralizer
A block of dry ice to burn your fingerprints off with, and an entire fifth of Wild Turkey to calm your nerves and remind yourself that this is God’s work you’re doing here. God’s work. I am the wrath of the Lord, and the hand of his judgement.
The Trypto-Fan
1qt gravy, 12oz NyQuil. Bring gravy to a gentle boil, gradually whisk in NyQuil, cool until thickened. Followed by 17 hours of deep sleep on the couch in front of some shitty movie marathon on TNT.
The Smashed Potato
Take a healthy serving of mashed potatoes, mix with 20 grams of buck shot, handle of Mr. Boston vodka (Named for Rutherford P. Boston, the man who first introduced Thanksgiving to the Boston area). Serve at a boil or frozen. Good to drink like a milkshake, eat with a spoon, and remember that you are far worse off than you were this time last year.
The Crystal Cran
After your family finishes scooping all that delicious homemade cranberry sauce out of the can, take the un-washed can and use to melt your crack cocaine. Inject and wash down with a shot of Trypto-Fan. Your bloodstream will love the extra cranberry flavor.
The Quirky Turkey
Take your family’s turkey carcass (can be before or after carving, but before carving will produce better flavors). Position yourself under the turkey’s neck hole while Uncle Bob funnels a handle of Admiral Nelson into the turkey’s poopchute. More dedicated holiday participants will use an uncooked and/or live turkey.
The Cultural Assistance
1 large fish, uncooked, 1 raw ear of corn (Maize at Native stores), husked, 1 gallon spiced rum. Allow new native friend to plant fish and corn in 12 inch deep hole in the ground. Consume rum, occasionally remembering to pour some out for your “homies” the fish and corn who are working tirelessly to ensure your survival through the long winter season of Native-Killing.
The Master of Efficiency
1 Entire Thanksgiving Dinner, 1 barrel amaretto. Carefully blend all items of Thanksgiving dinner together in food processor (Hint: use the “pulse” setting and an industrial sized food processor) into a thick paste. Water down with amaretto, to taste (may require second barrel). Serve intravenously.