WNV Cares: Helping Lost Googlers

Every year, like twenty-ish people fall victim to Google’s indifference, and instead of finding the answers they need, find themselves here on WNV, face-to-face with a poop joke. Today, we try to help those poor lost souls.

One of the most useful features of Google Analytics is the ability to view the specific key words or phrases which people Googled and then ended up on your site from the results. After almost five months of new WNV-ery, we took a look at ours, only to find some devastating results: a number of very confused internet travelers seeking from Google what we cannot provide. So, in an effort to give back to the tubes that have been so gracious a host, we are here today to give our best answers to those who implored the Google for help and were instead left here on WNV for dead.

“warrant puns”

Okay, we can do this. First keyword, need to get off to a strong start here. Warrant puns, let’s go.

Hey, buddy, looks like you’re wanted by the authorities for murder in another state!

You know what, fuck puns. You people deserve your shitty fate.

Like 26 direct URLs to specific WNV posts

We understand that the internet can be a very complicated place. We know just how easy it is to grab your nice long URL, and just put it right into the nearest waiting text box, just sitting there flashing its cursor at you. Honest. We get it. But from now on, try just going to the link instead of first asking Google for its opinion. Remember, it’s the reason you’re stuck here in the first place. Stop taking its advice and live your own life.

“wear everywhere winter boots”

Women will need something that is fashionable yet still somewhat functional. UggsBearpaw/Emu brands are quite popular because they’re lined with fuzz and can be waterproofed and worn in most winter weather, though men find them ugly. Women can also go with a black leather boot to wear with jeans, to work, or a night out. Something mid-calf or taller is suggested. They clean easily, but aren’t as warm as the previously mentioned fur-lined boots.

Men can simply get a pair of versatile leather boots, as it doesn’t really matter what their snow boots look like, so long as they are better than the ones you wore in grade school.

Dogs can find a variety of boots available in the more modern PetCo’s of the world, which are now finally offering the highest of canine fashion. Being that the dog fashion world is still currently developing, appearance should be at the forefront of any decision made, and functionality can take a back seat. Any dog wearing boots must look good, or face ridicule.

People who force their dogs to wear boots can find appropriate attire in hell. Which is where they belong.

“the night before fistmas”

Well, we kind of brought this one on ourselves. This keyword is really notable for being the only reasonably legitimate search which would actually deliver the desired results to a Googler. At least, for some values of “desired.” Some very, very disturbing values. In fact, let’s just never talk about this one again.

“mongolian halloween chinggis khaan”

Mongolian Halloween is the little-known and ancient celebration of the Mongolian peoples during which Genghis Khan masks are donned and, in similar fashion to the American tradition of “trick or treating,” the nearest wall-like structure is approached and tribute in the form of candy is demanded from those on the other side. Where the Mongol tradition differs, however, is that after the initial demand is likely refused, the wall is then immediately to be breached or scaled, and all the living beyond it are raped and murdered or tortured for information about any candy they may posses until they beg for the sweet release of death. Candy is then pillaged and enjoyed.

“pope sox”

This keyword is deeply disturbing to us here at WNV, because it serves as a troubling revelation. Someone in our circle of trust has broken their Non-Disclosure Agreement and started spreading details of our new, highly anticipated merch. I suppose the metaphorical cat is now out of the literal bag, so we may as we’ll take this opportunity to officially confirm the rumors that have been circulating among the major news organizations. We are indeed poised to begin sale of commemorative knee-socks celebrating that time Pope once wrote an article involving the Boston Red Sox. Pope Sox will be coming soon to a fine store near you.

“void dick pictures”

I see two possibilities here.

  1. You sent a dick pic to the boss’s wife and now you need to delete it.
  2. You are really turned on by inexplicably male, non-corporeal entities.

In both cases, your best solution is to simply move as far away as possible. Abandon your life, for it has been irreparably besmirched. Sever all ties with friends and family, close your bank accounts, delete your Facebook, and find a new country to call home.

“drunk reviews”

Oh, fucking great. So, once we stop running a site and tirelessly promoting it, you guys start actively looking for it. Thanks a bunch, assholes. I suppose like all true artists, our work isn’t truly appreciated til after we’re dead. …or moved onto a different domain name or whatever. Just like VanGogh.co.jp.

The More You Know