Boston's 2024 Olympic Events

The US Olympic Committee has officially decided to name the city of Boston as its host city for the 2024 Summer Olympic Games bid. Boston is of course, most famously, the home of WNV, so we naturally feel a strong connection to this move by the USOC and want to help win the bid and make the 2024 Olympics the greatest yet.

In that spirit, we have worked tirelessly since the announcement to help abate the issues of a horrific lack of available space as well as commitments to being both sustainable and deeply integrated with the culture of the city by compiling a list of traditional Summer Olympic events that can be adapted to more closely resemble everyday life in Boston. It is our hope that these events, combined with our emotional, 12 week long opening ceremony following Olympic torchbearers as they visit every Dunkin’ Donuts in the city, will show Boston as the world-class city it is.

T Surfing

Given that most of the Boston Harbor is otherwise full of whale watching tours, duck boats, and John Henry’s collection of private yachts made up of hundreds of thousands of copies of Globe Direct picked up off the sidewalks just last Wednesday, the T provides a viable alternative. The skill required to maintain one’s balance standing on a green line train after 10pm on a weeknight can only be described as herculean, and we believe equivalent to the challenge water-based surfing provides. The event will consist of each competitor boarding an outbound train at North Station and positioning him or herself in the center bending portion, with each foot on separate rotating floor segments. These trains will be driven by everyday MBTA workers nearing the end of their shifts who straight up do not give a single remaining fuck, and as such the train will reach speeds in excess of “oh shit what the fuck am I going to die in this tunnel?”

Competitors will be scored on their ability to maintain an upright stance, overall expression of nonchalantness, and total number of successfully completed levels of Angry Birds on their phone.

Storrow Drive Car Slalom

While not a typical Summer event, the slalom can take on a whole new life in Boston, without the need for snow of any kind. Storrow Drive provides competitors ample opportunity to exhibit their skills, only rather than flagpoles, using deadly, deadly traffic. Storrow Drive is the perfect venue for this event thanks to its unique combination of being a crowded and central roadway while also containing a terrifying number of sharp curves and a distinct lack of signs explaining what the fuck is going on before it starts happening.

Competitors will scored on the number of lane changes made, quantity of honks and middle fingers accrued, and successfully making their exit. Judges will frown upon accidentally ending up in Newton or at Logan Airport.

Allston Christmas Deadlift

For the uninitiated, one of the most widely anticipated and celebrated holidays in the Boston area is Allston Christmas. Named for a neighborhood with an excess of college students and a dearth of trash collectors, Allston Christmas is that most wondrous first of September day when all the apartment leases expire and, much like the tea party in Alice in Wonderland, tenants across the city change places, often finding themselves in possession of furniture and other household items that they either no longer want or are unwilling to move. And so, these heaps and piles of less than a year old tables, couches, chairs, futons, beds, microwaves, TVs, and literally anything else one might find in an apartment appear, as if by the magic of the very holiday itself, sprung into existence by the wishes and wants of the true believers, towering over the sidewalks of Allston and many other Boston neighborhoods, and available to any and all for the taking. Each competitor will be provided one empty studio apartment on Comm Ave on the third floor of a building with no elevator.

Competitors will be scored on overall quality and completeness of furnishing their apartment has received, overall minimization of rats and bedbugs now present in said apartment, and the number of PBRs purchased only with change accumulated throughout the preceding year and consumed during the event. Style points will be awarded for the most creative methods of drinking while actively moving furniture across the city.

Getting Drunk on Strawberry Quik

Based on a proud Boston tradition, competitors will be provided with as much Strawberry Quik as needed. This is not to be confused with the complementary Strawberry Quik that will be provided in each of their hotel rooms via every sink faucet.

Competitors will be scored on the quantity of Strawberry Quik consumed, and undying love expressed for it. Alcohol is considered a banned performance enhancing drug in this event.

100m Sprint to the Liquor Store Before it Closes at 11

In most parts of the world, one will find that liquor stores are able to keep their doors open with impunity, affording the citizens whom they serve a certain level of freedom and security, knowing that should the booze run out, replenishing the supply will be of no real concern. In Boston and the state of Massachusetts however, if you want to buy alcohol after 11pm, you can go fuck yourself. Thanks to “Blue Laws” brought down from on high by the puritans in their infinite wisdom, liquor stores may not stay open past 11pm, or the Soberening Hour. And so, to truly capture the Boston living experience, our world renowned athletes will be invited to a party, only to be informed at 10:55pm that the booze is about to run out.

Competitors will be scored on their timely arrival before the doors lock at exactly 11pm, the number of confused tourists knocked down on the sidewalk, and style points will be awarded for spending the most amount of time possible looking at the same three shelves and two coolers of booze trying to make a decision while loudly arguing with their friends.

The 2004 ALCS

This one is less of an “event” and more of a reenactment that we just force the whole world to watch.