Five Things to Remember on Your Wedding Day

It’s your big day! Things can get pretty hectic, and it’s easy to overlook even the most important details, so we’ve compiled a handy list to help make your day as special as you deserve.

1. You did this to yourself

You stupid asshole, you brought this upon yourself. Nobody did this to you. There wasn’t a gun pointed at your head. You chose this. You either went out of your way to elaborately ask for this to happen, or you specifically answered “yes, I definitely want this thing to happen to me” when asked. This is your own damn fault and no one else’s.

2. Steve Buscemi might show up, so be prepared

It happens. Steve Buscemi shows up at weddings. People have been trying to prevent it for years, and every attempt has proven futile. Rather than wasting time on that, it’s best to be prepared. Bring a box full of masquerade masks to break out in the event that Steve does show up. You can bust those out at any point and pretend it was a part of the plan all along. This way, you won’t have to pay your photographer extra to photoshop his creepy fucking face out of all your photos.

3. Don’t forget today is emotional for your jockeys too

It’s easy and even understandable to get wrapped up in your own feelings and forget those of everyone else around you on a day like today. But remember, your and your partner’s jockeys have been with you, riding, emotionally supporting, and occasionally whipping you for years; they love you almost as much as you love oats. And for them, today is the day that they’re letting you go to share that with another horse instead of them. They’ll be sad and worried, but also proud, so try to keep that in mind as you trot down the aisle.

[Ed.: This one only applies to racehorse weddings]

4. Everyone will remember everything you do today forever

The pressures of normal, day-to-day living are enough to drive anyone crazy, but there are few massively important events in our society that hit that sweet spot where every one of its many, many minute details is so closely watched, overly documented, and highly prone to unforeseeable eventualities as weddings. It’s hard to imagine any single other situation in which a slight stutter or tiny misstep will be seen by every member of your and your partner’s extended family, friends, and God himself, as well as being photographed and recorded from every conceivable angle. Try to keep this thought foremost in your conscious mind all throughout the day, otherwise, you could make a mistake that haunts you for eternity.

5. When you meet the Devil, tell him I said hello

This is it, Mendoza. End of the line. There’s nowhere left to run. I know you were behind the bombing at my wedding that killed my wife and resulted in me having three of my limbs replaced with bionics. I found the documents that prove you were involved in the land deal. We’ve got three of your top men ready to testify about the drugs. There’s no way out. Just put the gun down, come in quietly, and you get to live the rest of your life in a cushy maximum security cell. No one else has to get hurt. NO MENDOZA YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THIS. PUT IT DOWN NO MENDOZAAAA