Wedding Night Tips

Well, it’s the night after your big day, and we all now what that means, right? Of course we do. We all definitely, completely do. I mean, I know. For sure. Do you? Boy, I just feel sorry for anyone who doesn’t know. Gosh that must be embarrassing.

Bring twice as many sex supplies as you think you need

Of course, I won’t go into detail listing what they are here, since we all for sure already know what they are. But this is an exciting day followed by an exciting night, so you’ll almost definitely need more of them than you’d expect. Just to be sure, you can email us your list at and let us check it over for you with our extensive sexy knowledge. It’s cool, don’t be embarrassed, we all know how sex works here, so it’s not weird or anything.

Wear your sex pants under your tux/dress

The whole day is going to be an absolute vortex of madness; you’re going to inevitably find yourself busy with something at every moment, and chances are good that you won’t even have time to enjoy the privacy of the sex preparation cabana to get your sex pants on before the time arrives. Having your sex pants on and ready to go underneath your planned suit or dress for the whole day means that you’ll be ready to sex at a moment’s notice, no cabana required!

Steve Buscemi might show up, so be prepared

It happens. Steve Buscemi shows up at wedding nights. People have been trying to prevent it for years, and every attempt has proven futile. Rather than wasting time on that, it’s best to be prepared. Bring a box full of masquerade masks to break out in the event that Steve does show up. You can bust those out at any point and pretend it was a part of the plan all along. This way, you won’t have to pay your photographer extra to photoshop his creepy fucking face out of your sex tape.

Set a timer

We know it’s all very exciting and everyone is having a great time, but one thing to keep in mind is that you don’t want to get carried away and end up making too many babies. If you set a timer to let you know when to stop, you can try to keep that number limited. One or two is expected, but any more will start to seriously cut into enjoying your new marriage.

Google it first

Now that you’re finally married, the first time you get into the sex place and perform the sex position, you’re going to see some strange new things. And trust us, they’re going to freak you out initially. You don’t want the first time you see your partner’s man contraption or lady apparatus to be met with screams of terror, so do a little research ahead of time and get yourself accustomed to… that. Staring you in the face.

Again, Google is an invaluable resource.

Use couch pillows as load bearing columns for your fort

When you build your marital blanket fort, you may run into a common problem: floppy pillows. And if your foundation is weak, your whole fort is weak and could collapse at any moment, putting an abrupt end to your adult married stuff. Fortunately, many hotel rooms have a useful surprise hidden in the couch cushions. The cushions themselves! They’re often very sturdy and, being technically still pillows, don’t violate the terms of your newly signed marriage contract.