So, you see another lady in the wild and you’d like to be her friend, but kidnapping strangers is not an option? Well aren’t you in luck! Now that you’ve fallen into this particular dark corner of the internet, you’re just in time for a special Warranty kNow Void!
Warranty Know Void is a learning series for the terminally stupid provided at no cost by the makers of popular website for, by, and of shitheads, Warranty Now Void.
In today’s episode, expert Adult Ladies™, R.V. and Mrs. Pope, delve into a territory we haven’t explicitly journeyed into thus far: The world of Grownup Lady Friendships. Or “My Bitches” for short.
We know making friends can be really hard for grownups and, as Adult Ladies, we’re here to give you a hand. Our easy, two-semester course will have you drowning in besties in no time.
Friend Making 101: Intro to Friendship
Alright class, let’s start with the basics!
Discuss plant collections
Who cares if yours are dead? Leave that part out so she doesn’t think you’re the Terrarium Terminator that’s been on the news leaving little succulent carcases devoid of all their chlorophyll all over town. Did you know that wilting lettuce in the fridge is also a plant? Remember to show this to her too, she’ll be so impressed by the variety in your home.
Exchange favorite junk food and indulge
This one’s easy: pick your favorite delicious way to poison your bodies! Bonus points if they end up being nearly the same thing. Ours is a #7 at Taco Bell with a hard chicken taco and Baja Blast for Mrs. Pope and a #7 with a soft taco and a Mountain Dew for R.V.. Remember to share your hot sauces, ladies!
Compare weird bodily functions
This one is better with sound!
Compare favorite Drag Race queens
Compare and share power tools
You know you’ve found a keeper when your power drills have compatible attachments.
Extra credit: do a project together
Note: doing a project together too soon can be detrimental to the health of your new friendship. Wait at least 3 days worth of talking and texting time (which you should have been doing since the beginning, do we really have to tell you everything?) We suggest looking at the blueprints of your local credit union and memorizing escape routes as a good place to start.
Friend Making 202: Dynamics of Bonding
- Friend Making 101
- A real human to use your new skills on
Great job on your first course, friends! Let’s move on!
Establish a Rapport
Solidify your newly established life-long friendship (Note: “clingy” is simply a mutual understanding that we really cannot keep running through this list with everyone we meet, so this investment of time and energy has to pay off) by unleashing your college demon… you know… THAT demon. You know she’s been in there for the last ten years. Waiting.
Go shopping together
Yes, tasting flights and eating one of each of the free samples at Costco counts as shopping. Make sure to buy something matchy-matchy or no one will have any way of knowing you’re friends.
Borrow each other’s clothes/Do each other’s make up
Remember when you went shopping? Now it’s time to put on those catsuits and ski masks you got! Don’t forget to do a smokey eye!
Rob a bank
Yeah, this did not go as planned. Maybe you should have done that extra credit from Intro to Friend Making.
A murder most foul
Gotta get that Oxygen special!, “When friendships go wrong”…uh… Right. When they go right.
Friend Making 404 (Capstone): This is Forever Now
Go on the lam in Bali and become an influencer; can’t wait for Fyre Festival 2!!!
If you figure out how to do this part successfully, let us know. For… reasons. Sooner would be better than later.
Great job class! We’d love to send you your Friend Maker certification but we can’t seem to find your address in Bali. Can you contact us? Publicly? We promise we didn’t broker a deal with the Oxygen Network or the authorities to reduce our charges as accomplices.
How to make friends as an adult man
This course has been canceled due to CDC mandates. The only way to contain the scourge of adult male friendships upon this earth is to ensure that they don’t reproduce.