Fucking Help

Welcome to Warranty Now Void Technical Support, where your warranty is probably already void. We hope this series of diagnostic questions will help get you back to enjoying your WNV product as soon as possible!

{ "meta": { "start": 0, "successes": [12, 19], "failures": [6, 13, 21, 22, 23], "replay_on_failure": true, "replay_on_success": true, "hp": 7, "on_hp_depleted": 0 }, "pages": { "0": { "caption": "Thanks for contacting us, our support team is ready to help! With which product are you experiencing an issue?", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/it-crew-1.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Fucking", "goto": 1 }, { "title": "Another product", "goto": 2 } ] }, "1": { "caption": "We're sorry to hear that you're having trouble with your <span class=\"digital\">Fucking</span>, let's get to the <em>bottom</em> of that right away! Which best describes the issue?", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/it-crew-2.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Unable to start up", "goto": 3 }, { "title": "Unexpected shutdown", "goto": 9 }, { "title": "Incompatible adapters", "goto": 10 }, { "title": "Device slow or unresponsive to touch / Battery draining too quickly", "goto": 11 } ] }, "2": { "caption": "We're sorry, but that's simply not possible. WNV only produces one product. That's right. You read that correctly. This is all a front for just one thing. What you're looking at right now is nothing but a flimsy facade hiding the most depraved shit on the planet.

Now how about you try to answer that again, but do it right this time.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/it-crew-2.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Uhhh", "goto": "0" } ] }, "3": { "caption": "We'd be happy to help you with: <span class=\"digital\">Fuck Won't Turn On</span> ! When attempting to start your Fucking are there any strange noises like a fan whirring, clicking, or \"you can't be doing that in the Wal-Mart express checkout lane\"-ing?", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/mechanical.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Mechanical noises", "goto": 4 }, { "title": "Angry shouting", "goto": 7 } ] }, "4": { "caption": "Let's try some basic troubleshooting steps. First, try restarting your <span class=\"digital\">Fucking</span>. This can be done easily by completely shutting down the power supply, waiting a few moments, then turning it on again.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/power-off.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "But I'm a living human person", "goto": 5 }, { "title": "I've got both my gun and AED ready", "goto": 23 } ] }, "5": { "caption": "Most major contemporary Buddhist traditions accept the teachings of Gautama Buddha, that assert the non-physical essence of a living being begins a new life in a different physical form after biological death. Please keep this browser window open and let us know when you've completed the restart.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/buddha.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "...", "goto": 6 } ] }, "6": { "caption": "WARNING: You have died of old age. Unfortunately, across all 63.7 intervening years of your life, you did not maintain a stable Wi-Fi connection, and so your session was lost. Please don't hesitate to contact Warranty Now Void Technical Support again for any future issues. If you were not dead, we would ask you to complete a quick survey to let us know how we did, but unfortunately, you are dead.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/skeleton.jpg", "ending": true, "actions": [ { "title": "Goodbye." } ] }, "7": { "caption": "We regret to inform you that there is a known cross-platform issue when using <span class=\"digital\">Fucking</span> with services not provided by Warranty Now Void. While all WNV services are both compatible with and invite use with <span class=\"digital\">Fucking</span>, many other providers do not offer the same level of integration. We recommend finding a certified Warranty Now Void retail location nearby instead.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/it-crew-2.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Find WNV location near me", "goto": 8 }, { "title": "I need help with something else", "goto": 1 } ] }, "8": { "caption": "1 location found:<br /><strong>Warranty Now Void HQ</strong><br />Gates of Hell, Turkmenistan<br />Hours: 9am - 5pm EST<br /><iframe src=\"https://www.google.com/maps/embed?pb=!4v1642463711460!6m8!1m7!1sCAoSLEFGMVFpcE95TUxYdFpSME16X1B3cHZ5dG5NYXcxT2VJMzFkaHVGOEMyRG5S!2m2!1d40.2521808!2d58.4394134!3f34.801214447647034!4f-16.210380809785832!5f0.7820865974627469\" width=\"600\" height=\"400\" style=\"border:0;\" allowfullscreen=\"\" loading=\"lazy\"></iframe>", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/map.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Get directions", "href": "https://www.google.com/maps/dir//gates%20of%20hell%20Turkmenistan" } ] }, "9": { "caption": "We'd be happy to help you with: <span class=\"digital\">The Fuck Stops Here, Constantly</span> ! Before shutting down, does your <span class=\"digital\">Fucking</span> provide you with any error codes via screeching and/or beeping tones while in use?", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/it-crew-3.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Yes, it's extremely loud god it is so loud", "goto": 24 }, { "title": "No, it's so silent that I sometimes forget it even exists", "goto": 4 } ] }, "10": { "caption": "We'd be happy to help you with: <span class=\"digital\">Can't Fit Fuck In Other Fuck</span> ! We provide a vast array of dongles to help you connect your <span class=\"digital\">Fucking</span> to absolutely anything on this beautiful Earth that you so choose. What type of connection are you trying to achieve?", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/it-crew-4.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Thing go inside their thing", "goto": 16 }, { "title": "Other thing go inside my thing", "goto": 16 }, { "title": "Just kinda rub em together and see what happens", "goto": 16 }, { "title": "Emotional", "goto": 13 }, { "title": "Not listed", "goto": 14 } ] }, "11": { "caption": "We'd be happy to help you with: <span class=\"digital\">My Fuck Don't Last Good</span> ! Please provide us with the serial number of your device so we can begin remote diagnostics.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/it-crew-3.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "816A515C-2ECD-4737", "goto": 26 }, { "title": "FUK-U-696969696969", "goto": 28 } ] }, "12": { "caption": "Oh GOOD FOR YOU you found the secret dead page no one should be able to get to, we're all SO proud. Here, have a win condition on the house. And never come back.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/wow.jpg", "ending": true, "actions": [ { "title": "Great job or whatever who care" } ] }, "13": { "caption": "That kind of depraved behavior is not welcome here, and we won't tolerate our customer service representatives (whether they be human, AI, or hybrid) being subjected to talk of it. Your session has been discontinued due to extreme perversion. Come back when you're ready to be professional and discuss the issues with your <span class=\"digital\">Nasty Raw Fucking You Filthy Little Dirty Piggy</span>. Good day.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/do-not-enter.jpg", "ending": true, "actions": [ { "title": "I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR!" } ] }, "14": { "caption": "Warranty Now Void is proud to announce our newest product entering limited beta now: the Universal Dongle. One simple tool will allow you to connect, insert, jiggle, wiggle, and/or rub whatever you've got in/on/around/against any aperture, receptacle, surface, elongated apparatus, commodity, or non-euclidean form that you see fit.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/dongles.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Yes! I want to join the limited beta!", "goto": 15 }, { "title": "No, thanks. I need help with something else", "goto": 1 } ] }, "15": { "caption": "Thank you for agreeing to join the Warranty Now Void Universal Dongle limited beta program, and thus accepting the terms and conditions. You have now waived any and all legal right to sue WNV or its subsidiaries for damages wrongful or rightful. We will not be sharing the Universal Dongle with you and will in fact be keeping it for ourselves. That's too bad because it rules.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/wnv-fuck-support.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "I don't think I like that, actually", "goto": 20 } ] }, "16": { "caption": "We've got you covered; one of our Adaptors has been dispatched and is on the way to your current location. Please stay where you are and await the Adaptor.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/dongles.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Wait why are you using that spelling...", "goto": 17 } ] }, "17": { "caption": "Your Adaptor's name is <span class=\"digital\">Patrick</span> and will be arriving in 38 seconds to help you with your <span class=\"digital\">Fucking</span>. Please do not make any loud noises or sudden movements as you may startle your Adaptor while they are handling your equipment, resulting in damage that Warranty Now Void will not be responsible for.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/adaptor.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Abort! Abort! No! I don't want this!", "goto": 18 }, { "title": "Hell yeah, get in there Patrick, fix me right up", "goto": 19 } ] }, "18": { "caption": "Your Adaptation has been canceled, and your Adaptor, <span class=\"digital\">Patrick</span>, has been sent home for the rest of the week severely depressed. He was really excited to see some genitals today and you took that from him. We hope you're happy.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/adaptor-sad.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Not really...", "goto": 20 }, { "title": "Can I tell Patrick that I'm sorry?", "goto": 13 } ] }, "19": { "caption": "Now that <span class=\"digital\">Patrick</span> has your equipment in his firm, yet capable hands, we will end your support session. You'll want the privacy.

Thank you for choosing Warranty Now Void; We hate you for it!", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/adaptor-hands.jpg", "ending": true, "actions": [ { "title": "Thanks for alwas satisfying me completely, WNV" } ] }, "20": { "caption": "Good! Fuck you! Eat shit!

We'd love to hear what you think of our customer service. Please take a moment to answer one question: How would you rate the support you received?", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/wnv-fuck-support.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Good, I'm satisfied", "goto": 22 }, { "title": "Bad, I'm unsatisfied", "goto": 21 } ] }, "21": { "caption": "Good! Fuck you! Eat shit!

We'd love to hear what you think of our customer service. Please take a moment to answer one question: How would you rate the support you received?", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/wnv-fuck-support.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Good, I'm satisfied", "goto": 22 }, { "title": "Bad, I'm unsatisfied", "goto": 21 }, { "title": "Okay, alright, I see what you're doing here, I quit", "goto": 22 } ] }, "22": { "caption": "That's a good little piggy. Thank you for choosing Warranty Now Void; We hate you for it!", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/wnv-fuck-support.jpg", "ending": true, "actions": [ { "title": "Goddammit" } ] }, "23": { "caption": "Our records indicate that you have passed away. Unfortunately, as stipulated in the Terms and Conditions you agreed to when joining the WNV family, we are unable to provide support to any non-corporeal beings at this time, due to ongoing legal action involving the Lord of the Underworld. Please have a nice afterlife and remember to contact us in the event of a reanimation.

Thank you for choosing Warranty Now Void; We hate you for it!", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/skeleton.jpg", "ending": true, "actions": [ { "title": "Goddammit" } ] }, "24": { "caption": "Please attempt to recreate the sounds as accurately as possible into your microphone now. Go ahead, we're listening.<br /><span class=\"embiggen\"><i class=\"fas fa-microphone-alt\"></i></span>", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/it-crew-3.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "I'm done making my <span class=\"digital\">Fuck</span> noises now", "goto": 25 } ] }, "25": { "caption": "We've analyzed your sample and concluded that your issue is caused by use of non-genuine <span class=\"digital\">Fucking</span>. Your <span class=\"digital\">Fucking</span> appears to be a shoddy knockoff of the real thing which is neither as satisfying, nor as effective as licensed <span class=\"digital\">Fucking</span>.<br /><br />Would you like to find an authorized Warranty Now Void retail location where you can get a proper <span class=\"digital\">Fucking</span>?", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/it-crew-3.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Find WNV location near me", "goto": 8 }, { "title": "I need help with something else", "goto": 1 } ] }, "26": { "caption": "Okay, very funny, ha ha. This is obviously not a valid serial number for a WNV product. If you're not ready to take this seriously then we can end your session now. Please provide your real serial number.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/it-crew-upset.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Sorry, I regret my actions and would like to sincerely apologize", "goto": 13 }, { "title": "FUK-U-696969696969", "goto": 28 } ] }, "27": { "caption": "Thank you. We regret to inform you that this device reports having been used with an Unlicensed Masturbator, which is strictly against Warranty Now Void policy. Your warranty has been voided due to your careless behavior. How does that make you feel?", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/unlicensed-masturbator.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Bad! I don't like it!", "goto": 20 }, { "title": "Good, actually, this thing sucks anyway I'm glad it's broken!", "goto": 28 } ] }, "28": { "caption": "ERROR: Anti-company sentiment detected. This is in violation of WNV terms of service and will need to be corrected. We will be dispatching a qualified technician to your location immediately to adapt your behavior appropriately.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/fucking-help/adaptor.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Okay are you going to fix my shit then?", "goto": 17 } ] } } }