Ten Tips for Tax Time Twenty-Twenty-One

1. Lie on your taxes

How are they gonna find out? That’s the whole point of cryptocurrency, isn’t it? The government doesn’t own it! They’re never gonna get a cut of this $43 capital gain, that’s for sure. You mined those sixty-five thousand Dogecoins all on your own and you’ll be damned if you’re gonna split it with Joe Biden.

It’s easy! Especially since the company that owned the app you used turned out to be run by one guy in Malaysia who transferred everyone’s deposits into his own wallet three weeks after you cashed out. That’s how you know you’re smart: you beat the con man by simply not having enough to be worth stealing, and now there’s no paper trail. You’re a genius, honestly. Just fill in every field of your 1099-MISC with “No” and “I didn’t” and you’ll be untouchable, too.

2. Buy yourself something nice

You deserve it, defrauding the government is exhausting. Head on over to your preferred bastion of commerce and put those $43 to good use. Remember, this is free money, so don’t spend it on anything important or useful like food or that new battery for your car that you need. If you ask us, we’d probably buy a mint condition Cool Porygon Pokémon card: the only thing on earth that will finally make us happy.

3. Hey was that guy watching you?

Yeah, the one with the sunglasses sitting outside the coffee shop. He was pretending to use his iPad but when you passed by it was pretty obvious that it was just sitting on his home screen. Maybe he’s just a big fan of apps and their icons. That windbreaker was stylish though, you’ll have to look up this “IRS” company when you get home and see what other fresh looks they sell.

4. Maybe just lay low for a while

I’m sure it’s nothing. You’re just a little extra paranoid right now. Just relax, don’t do anything impulsive, let this momentary anxiety pass and before you realize it, you’ll be laughing about how silly you were being. I mean, really, there is a lot of construction work on your street so why wouldn’t there be paneled vans parked everywhere?

Those clicking noises you hear in the background of every phone call were probably always there.


5. Put your phone in the microwave

Everything with a chip in it. Fry it all. You need to be off the grid, yesterday. Go down to the convenience store and buy a burner. Use cash.

6. Oh god, oh shit who are those guys waiting outside your door

7. Throw your license down a sewer and create a new identity

You can’t go back.

8. Get a job as a bartender in a different state

The owner lets you rent the room upstairs at a discount. It’s been five years and you’ve all but forgotten your old life. You’ve faded so far into the background at this place that the regulars don’t even know your name. Hell, you don’t even remember at this point. Is this the real you now? Was the old you ever really you? Who cares, you’ve got glasses to clean. The people who come here and stare at the wall for hours while they do their level best to destroy themselves with cigarettes and alcohol and whatever else they got their hands on in the parking lot really appreciate a clean glass.

9. A stranger comes in one day

This is a small bar in an even smaller town; no one comes here unless they’ve got no other dark holes to crawl into and die. What’s a guy in a nice blue suit like that doing here?

10. Wait I– No, no! NO! WHY!

Joe Biden towers above you as the flames climb the walls. Fiery cinders of cheap ceiling panels flutter around you like volcanic ash. You scramble backwards, cutting your palms on the broken glass that litters the floor, until your back is against the wall. Joe Biden makes up the distance in a single confident stride before crouching down next to your pathetic, whimpering form. You know this is it. You know what he’s finally here for. You always knew he would be, one day. The fire consumes every bit of your fake little life. He takes his aviators off and smiles, hand outstretched. “I’m gonna need my 20% cut of those 43 bucks, Jack.”

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