Press Release: Fork Those Fascists

Earlier this week, WNV received an unsolicited press release in our inbox, and because we didn’t come up with anything to post today, we have decided to do the responsible thing and print it here in its entirety without review.


Absolute Rulers of Kitchen Organization Denounce Violence at Capitol

Cutlery: “This is not the tidy, ruthlessly organized America that we work hard to create every day.”

Washington, D.C. – Imperator and CEO of Final Kitchen Solutions, LLC William C. Cutlery released the following statement in response to the violent and shocking attacks by Trump adherents at the US Capitol on Wednesday:

“While we support the use of force to assert a relentless and totalitarian order in the kitchen, we condemn the disorderly actions of the president and his supporters at the Capitol last week. To stand against the shared democratic ideals of all Americans is to stand against the very principles upon which our parent company, Fork Reich, Inc. was founded. This president’s willingness to spoon feed vitriol and lies to his voter base has led to a forking of the American public, which we all watched lead to knifing on national television. And that is a pot Final Kitchen Solutions, LLC is unwilling to stir.

“We believe that every utensil must be segregated by its explicit purpose to service those in control, and that’s why it is the uncompromising opinion of the firm that these insurgents should be sorted into the bad silverware bin. We must show that the nation will not allow such an assault on the legislative branch to go unanswered.

“We ask that Vice President Pence strongly consider invoking the 25th Amendment in order to seize power and consolidate all the authority of the federal government with himself, much like our Spice Gulag (4.7 stars on Amazon) allows our customers to consolidate their many small seasoning containers in a more efficient use of space.

“A nation without the ability to safely transition power will descend, inevitably into chaos, like a cupboard without one of our patent pending coffee mug re-education centers, or a mudroom before our popular line of Lebensraum products successfully annexes it into a slightly larger kitchen pantry.

“When my grandfather, Hortence J. Cutlery, invented the patented combination Folding Dish-drying Rack / Communist Dowsing Rod (the FDR/CDR) in 1929, his dreams of a relentlessly organized kitchen in every home in America were only able to be realized thanks to the freedom and democracy we all cherish. This shameful display at the Capitol would be the realization of one of his greatest fears, second only to…uh, well, some other things we don’t have to talk about right now.

“Now, more than ever, we Americans must all unite in submission under the rigid heel of freedom and reject these false claims and those who perpetuate them.”

Final Kitchen Solutions is a family-owned company dedicated to empowering the iron fist of absolute control over all your kitchenware. Strength Through Unity, Unity Through Organization.

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