Interview With G. Randy Wins

In an interview on Wednesday with Extended Warranty co-host Pope, the up-and-coming online provocateur Gerard Randolf Winston took questions about his unique brand of politics, growing social media popularity and the meteoric rise of his podcast, The G-Spot, on the iTunes charts.

Warranty Now Void: Mr. Winston, good to finally speak with you.

Gerard Randolf Winston: Oh, dang no reason to use that lame-stream name, just call me Randy, or if you wanna be all formal about it, G Randy Wins-Tons.

Ah, suddenly your brand makes a lot more sense.

That’s right, when you get Randy involved, that’s how you know what’s comin’ next, ‘cause what’s he do? Randy wins tons, hell yeah baby.

Of course. Let’s start with the topic churning up so much conversation across Twitter and Facebook: can you explain what exactly the G-Spot is?

Huhuh, yeah figured you’d need a little help findin’ it, probably too much soy in your latte this morning, am I right?

I actually drink black coffee, I’m not sure what that has to do—

Yeah okay whatever, take the fun out of everything as usual with you libs. Can’t even say “clit-or-is” on the radio anymore. Okay, so the G-Spot is the end of the plan, y’see. The G-Spot is why I do everything that I do. It’s the motivation for me and all my millions of followers to keep fightin’ the good fight against people like you, no offense: the fake news media, the Everyone-Should-Live-Forever Democrats, and all the rest of the leftists out there.

That’s a very powerful stance, but as I understand, you also use the term to refer to an actual location, somewhere in the North Eastern United States?

Sure, yeah, a big part of it is a place. The place that my granddad got kicked out of by the damn big government liars up in Tax-achusetts in order to build a communist reservoir, just handin’ water out to people all across the damn state whether they worked hard to earn it or not. Made ‘em pack up our whole family and move [Ed.note: Mr.Winston had become very emotional at this point] leaving behind everything that had been in our name for generations, the estate that— uh, sorry I mean the uh, house. Our house, with a normal number of bathrooms and everything. All of ‘em just taken away by the government. My family fought like hell against this tyranny at the time, but I guess sometimes when you’re draining the swamp, 40 square miles of adjacent land gets flooded, know what I’m saying?

I do not. The plan to build the reservoir in what used to be Enfield, MA did raise some local protest, but I wasn’t able to find your family name involved with it.

Yeah well you know, granddad was a war vet and so he was pretty tired after fighting the Nazis, you know, for YOUR freedoms, YOU’RE WELCOME. So he wasn’t able to put up much of a resistance.

Well, for one thing the War hadn’t started yet, and also these records show your grandfather was actually on the town Board of Aldermen who approved the original plan; he’s quoted here in the newspaper as saying, “I wish we could flood this hell-hole twice! Fu—

Oh yeah okay here we go with the fake news smears against me once again, it never ends with you Flat Folks, and that’s why I’ve got millions and millions of listeners and you guys ain’t got shit. Y’all are willing to do anything to try to stop the G-Spot from happenin’ and to be honest with you, people are seeing that for exactly what it is: desperation.

So, I’m sorry, I’m a little confused; the G-Spot is also an event?

Hell yeah, man, the G-Spot is the event! When we finally take back what those deep state stooges took from us, we’re gonna finally be able to perform the ancient rite that welcomes the Great Old Ones back to reclaim the Earth that is rightfully theirs and exterminate the vermin that have run wild! I’d like to see you try and stop Yog-Sothoth, Nancy Pelosi!

You use the word “rightfully” but many disagree with the idea that the Old Gods have any claim to the world they abandoned so long ago.

Oh hell, if they ain’t better’n us then why they called GODS, huh? Besides, you bleedin’ heart lib types always gotta talk about who’s turn it is and what’s fair. Man, I tell you the way the real world works is that whoever’s bigger ‘n tougher gets to do what they want. That’s why America is the greatest goddamn country on this Earth, and why the Great Old Ones will annihilate every last one of us when they come back.

You yourself say that it’s your plan to bring them back, so what is it that gives you the right to make that decision for all of us?

Oh come on, there you go puttin’ words in my mouth again. Lyin’ WNV gonna spread it across the internet that it’s just old Randy doin’ this. Look around you, it’s already happenin’ whether I want it to or not. If Our (factually, historically white) Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ didn’t want us all to die in shrieking terror, he would’na thrown open the great mouth at the dang ol’ bottom of the Mariana Trench! I know the visions come to you in your dreams too, everyone knows that they’ve been awakened, it’s just our duty to carry out God’s patriotic, American will.

Aside from urging your followers to give up their lives and sanity to bring about the destruction of the human race and our world as we know it, you’re also an outspoken supporter of the President. Is your political activism ever at odds with the rest of your work?

I cannot think of a better time to be alive and American, thank you very much. Jesus put Donald J Trump in office just when we needed him the most. How you gonna tell me that he’s doin’ a bad job managin’ this Corona-virus when we got mass deaths on a scale rarely seen in the modern world? Without willing flesh, the many mouths will be forced to hunt again, and I sure as shit don’t wanna be a turkey in that shoot! Besides, the more people see that the mortal world is nothing more than an unwelcoming if not openly hostile nightmare, the happier they’ll be to be obliterated by the coming of its true possessors. He’s guiding us to the best future I can possibly imagine: one where we all die.

I have to say, that seems like a self-defeating strategy, don’t you want future generations of your own family to have a world to live in?

Hell no! I want them sumbitches to live up in (white) Christian heaven with me, not down here infringing on the Azathoth-given rights of the Old Ones to inhabit this planet; I ain’t raisin’ any Antifa protester terrorist squatters, that’s for damn sure.

So I take it that you’ll be voting to re-elect this November?

I will not, and I will tell you why. I won’t be voting at all, because electoralism is nothin’ but a sham. Sure, I love what Trump is doin’, over a hundred and fifty thousand dead and possibly many more to come, but that’s only a drop in the bucket compared to what we really need, and that’s the entire human race wiped clean off the face of the Earth. The only way we’re gonna make that dream a reality is through the hard work of pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps and using my massive inherited wealth to reclaim my long-dead grandad’s G-Spot from the deep state.

Some people might have a hard time understanding why you’d want a house that’s underneath a few billion gallons of water.

You know what I say to that, “Good!” We don’t want the Flat Folk at the G-Spot and we don’t need ‘em. Ain’t gonna find no soy-sippin’ coastal elites leagues below the water’s surface, cause there ain’t no STAR BUCKS in my neighborhood of impossible four dimensional structures that drive me to inconsolable madness every time I think too hard about ‘em. You love your damn Euclidean geometry so much, then stay on the surface and let us do our dark work excavating the ancient blood sacrificial temple in Real America, by which I of course mean the labyrinthian caves below our feet where They wait and watch!

Thank you for your time and speaking with us today, I think we’ve all learned a lot.

Thanks for having me; I hope to see you, as well as myself, dead soon!