New Years Resolutions That We Already Fucked Up

It’s that time again, a brand new year. With 2014 finally dead and gone, it’s time to look forward to the promise of a new and better year, and a new and better website. Or at least, it would be, if we hadn’t already fucked up every last one of our resolutions.

1. Never miss a scheduled post day

Let’s just get this one out of the way right off the bat. We made a solemn vow to you, our beloved fans, that we would never again miss a posting day as of the year 2015. And so, on Thursday, January 1, 2015, the first posting day of the new year, we proudly logged into- wait, no we didn’t. We just straight up ignored it. That’s right, so far this year, we have managed to meet a respectable 0% of our post deadlines. You’re fucking welcome, internet.

2. Quit smoking

One of the most common tips you hear for ways to improve health is to quit smoking. And since 2015 is all about being better, we knew this was an important step we needed to take. And so, following the wisdom of that old proverb, “you have to actually do something before you can stop doing it I guess,” we took a trip from the WNV offices around the corner to the convenience store to pick up a carton of smokes and begin this journey of better health. As it turns out, that shit is pretty addictive. We’re each up to three packs a day, and looking forward to our doctors’ pleased reactions when we tell them about our new commitment to our health.

3. Better manage our finances

You know what, fuck this one. I’m not even mad that we didn’t do it right. Look at our ads. $0.03 per bid? We are rolling in cash, so much so that we have installed a Scrooge McDuck-esque vault inside WNV Tower to accommodate all our sweet, sweet ad money. Project Wonderful didn’t want to pay us in gold coins, but who are they to say no to this internet juggernaut. So no, we don’t need this resolution. I just bought a yacht, and you’re all invited. Note that the yacht is made of doors found at our local dump lashed together with dental floss, and we are headed straight for Cuba, but a vacation is a vacation, am I right?

3. Get in better shape

Take a look around you. We really fucked this one up, guys. This whole site has been just living the rectangle life for over a year now. Most websites, once they become rich and famous as we of course have, end up getting into some much better shapes, at least making the lengths of the sides of their quadrilaterals equal, or even going so far as to bust out some fine heptagons or other polygons. We know that aspiring to the unrealistic standards that the website fashion magazines perpetuate is unhealthy and impossible. Circles are just polygons with an infinite number of sides, and who’s really got the time to maintain that kind of workout routine while still living a fulfilling comedy website life? But we also want to be happy with our shapes, and rectangles just aren’t something to be proud of.

4. Banish Yomagn’tho back to the celestial crypt in Pherkard

This one is a follow up to our 2014 resolution to finally finish that Khan Academy course on Dark Eldritch Magicks. The good news is that we totally knocked that one out of the park, which grants us access to all the next levels in the DRKELDR course line. The bad news is that we just downloaded the textbooks (your Necronomicon, The King in Yellow, Book of Azathoth, etc) and summoned a few Great Old Ones before we bothered even reading the syllabus for DRKELDR110: Practices in Avoiding the Destruction of all Mankind. We fucked up here, and we’re willing to admit it. But it’s a new year, and a new us, so we’re going to take responsibility for our actions and take care of this prob– oh shit that was the wrong book; here comes ‘Ymnar. We fucked up again, guys. Don’t worry, we’ll make it better in 2016, unless all sentient and intelligent life in the Cosmos has been destroyed by then.

5. Accurately number all WNV list posts

Wait a minute, what’s this doing on here, this is the only list post so far this year and it’s perfectly– shit.

Welp, see you all in 2016.