Guest Op-Ed by Tucker Carlson

Ever since I was a young man, I’ve been known to indulge myself with a tasty little snack now and then, if you know what I mean. Oh, don’t be a prude, it’s natural; we all experience the same thing. There’s nothing wrong with appreciating the God-given beauty of a delicious thing you might see while walking down the street. The Left doesn’t want you to admit it, they want you to pretend it’s offensive and immoral. But it’s the truth. And the truth won’t be denied forever. Denying us our basic humanity is core to what The Left wants to accomplish in this country. They don’t want you to whip your head around and slide your sunglasses down the end of your nose to get a better look at some appetizing morsel. They don’t want you to pound the table as your eyes bulge several feet out of your skull and you scream at the top of your lungs “AWOOOOOOGA!” any time a tempting mouthful crosses your path and raises your blood pressure, if you catch my drift. That’s not a coincidence. That’s because they don’t want you to remember your own humanity, so that you won’t stand in Joe Biden’s way when he finally enacts the Communist nightmare he’s always dreamed of.

Ever since I was a young man, I’ve had good and plenty of satisfying relationships with yummy little treats, and I’m not ashamed of that. I’m not ashamed to be who I am, a human man who has human man needs and wants and hungers. A human man just trying to make it to his next pay day in a world that seems less and less accepting of his traditionally American milky way of doing things. A human man who thinks that his candy should be hot and his needs should be met, by military force if necessary. The Left snickers as they watch us struggle to fit into their new Woke Culture. They look down at us from high up in their elite Fifth Avenue ivory towers. They point and they jeer when I take a new lover out for a drink. The Leftist bartender tells me he won’t even pour a whisky for a single Almond Joy bar that I’ve propped up on a barstool and tells me to, “get the fuck outta here, candy-fucker!” They want us to be ashamed of who we are as Americans and instead conform to their rigid Political Correctness. And who else does that? Authoritarians.

Ever since I was a young man, I’ve had the brain of a golden retriever. No, I don’t mean that metaphorically like when The Intolerant Left intolerantly pokes fun at my quizzical head tilts and feigned naivety. No, I mean that when I was about thirteen years old, a terrible accident befell me in which I literally exchanged brains with a dog. It’s a long story that I won’t bore you with now, but suffice it to say that it took years to learn human speech again and I think filling this small brain up with things like human speech and an incredible amount of racism has caused some other things to get collapsed together. Why am I telling you this? Because I respect you, and I believe you deserve to know the truth, unlike Joe Biden who wants to do nothing but lie to you and make your candy non-binary and give it to immigrants.

Ever since I was a young man, I’ve wanted to fuck the Laffy Taffy. That’s right. I’m tired of living in fear of Cancel Culture and I won’t hide it anymore. When I have a mouthful of that succulent stuff, I go absolutely wild. When I see the Green M&M strutting down the catwalk in those seductive boots, I can’t stop my mouth from watering and soaking my Tempur-Pedic dog bed all the way through. Or at least, I used to. Before The Woke Mob took that from me. Took that from all of us. A proud American tradition callously wiped away overnight. I look at these new M&Ms and I’m barely able to maintain an erection. My stomach turns as I masturbate furiously, choking myself with what I pretend are the brown M&M’s nylons. I can’t even finish. That new heel she wears is barely flirtatious at all. It’s just not worth it anymore. This is Joe Biden’s America, and if we don’t stop him now, it might not be anyone’s America after him, because there simply won’t be one left.

Ever since I was a young man, *involuntary nazi salute*.

Ed. Note. Tucker Carlson was sadly put down immediately after publishing this article. The veterinarians said he was simply too god damned stupid to live.