BOSTON, MA - April 1, 2014 - Valve Corporation today announced that it has reached a definitive agreement to acquire Warranty Now Void, the
website, for a total of approximately 1.4 billion. This includes 900 million in GabenBucks and 503.1 Dinosaur-Shaped chicken nuggets. The agreement also provides for an additional 20 million earn-out in the form of signed pictures of G-Man, Gordon Freeman, and Alyx Vance based on the achievement of certain milestones. At press time, WNV leadership was still unaware that these are fictional characters.
Valve is the leader in video game development and digital distribution, known for its critical and commercial hit games, such as the Half-Life and Portal series, and its Steam digital distribution platform with over 75 million active users. Warranty Now Void has a poop button that has been pressed more than 8 times since its September, 2013 launch.
“We literally have no idea what we’re going to do with this thing,” said CEO of Valve and part-time demigod Gabe Newell. “If Facebook can go buy random shit that has nothing to do with their product like Oculus, then we figured, fuck it, we can too. Plus, these guys literally will do anything I say. We paid them in fake money and Dino Nuggets. It did get a little weird when one of them asked to smell my hair.”
“Holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit,” said Pope, co-founder of WNV. The Admiral, co-founder of WNV, was quick to add that he would, “no, seriously actually play all those games I bought during the Steam holiday and summer sales. Like, for real. I’m totally serious guys. Riiight after I finish Bioshock again.”
The WNV team will be bringing its unique skills into play by beginning development of one of the most highly anticipated sequels ever, which itself has spawned years of speculation and internet jokes about Valve’s development and release cycles. WNV writers are already hard at work on finally bringing to life the sequel that has been eagerly awaited since its original release: Ricochet 2.
“With a story as rich and complex as Ricochet, there’s a whole universe of material for us to draw on and focus the new story on,” co-founder of WNV, Scawt, explained. “And of course, with all the hype surrounding this game, even years before it’s announcement, we have a lot to live up to. But I think that’s what Gabe saw in us, the potential to really pull this off in a way that’s satisfying for everyone.”
“-shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit holy shit,” continued Pope, rocking back and forth in the fetal position on the floor of the office showers.
“They said what? Richochet? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” Newell added, echoing Scawt’s positive hopes for the game. “Oh shit, what have I gotten us into…”
The transaction is expected to close in the second quarter of fucking never.