For Fuck's Sake, Twitter: Enlightened Edition

Whether you’re a member of his faith or just a human being, capable of rational thought and possessing the capacity to feel emotion and empathy, the Dalai Lama is a man whose wisdom is undeniable. He is the spiritual leader of the Tibetan Buddhists, and describes himself as driven by three major commitments:

…the promotion of basic human values or secular ethics in the interest of human happiness, the fostering of inter-religious harmony, and the preservation of Tibet’s Buddhist culture, a culture of peace and non-violence.

Basically, he wants everyone to stop being such dicks to each other and to live happy lives practicing whatever faith they want. Sounds like the kind of guy we should listen to, right? Well, to that end, his office recently created a Twitter account so that his message of peace and kindness could be better broadcast to a much wider audience on a platform familiar to them. It was a brilliant idea, but they forgot one important detail.

Twitter is full of dipshits.

An eighty-year-old man who has dedicated his life and what political power he has to a message of peace and harmony is a man that should be respected and revered. Meeting the Dalai Lama is a tremendous honor, and having the opportunity to communicate with him, even in as removed a way as Twitter offers, is a true privilege and should be respected as such. Should. Unfortunately, after dredging the Twit-stream for only a few minutes, I found a few people who don’t seem to feel the same way.

The Social Marketer

“Thanks for your wisdom, your High Holiness, but I think if you read my latest blog post, you’ll really learn a little something about peace and harmony.”

You are not the Dalai Lama. The Dalai Lama is the Dalai Lama. You are an amateur internet blogger. He is a respected spiritual leader, not some lead that could become a conversion for your Blag. Please do not link spam the Dalai Lama.

I mean, really, if you’re going to try to get the Dalai Lama to read you blog, you could have at least prefaced it with some kind of message. “I have some similar thoughts,” or “Please look at my bullshit scribbles,” rather than shoveling your link directly into his enlightened retinas.

The Character Conservationalist

“omg lol ur so cool mr llama :P”

This may be shocking news to you, so please make sure you’re in a safe and seated position when you read the following: the Dalai Lama is not your tween bffl. I know, his unique fashion sense, large, square glasses, and easygoing nature may make him easy to confuse with a twelve year old girl who can’t quite bring herself to use the rules of proper grammar and spelling in everyday conversation, but I promise that there is a difference.

I understand that this is Twitter, and your characters are limited, but the difference between two uses of “u” and “you” is four total characters, and about 90 apparent IQ points. And the emoticon, while a deeply effective means of conveying emotion in a tightly constrained number of characters, is just plain stupid. If the Dalai Lama uses a smiley face, it is adorable and endearing. But he is the Dalai Lama. When you use a smiley face to talk to him, it just makes you look like a jackass.

The Gossip Girl

Let’s see here, in one fell swoop, you have just asked two musicians, an author, a band, an airline, the Federal Bureau of Investigation, Hillary Clinton, the Dalai Lama, and a porn star if they have a crush on anyone right now. I mean, at least a few of those things are actually individual people who are, presumably, capable of having “crushes,” though I think you might be barking up the wrong tree with Hillary. I’m not convinced she feels anything anymore. The very least you could have done here would have been to take the time and spam major political, religious, and cultural leaders individually.

But in all seriousness, does anyone know if JetBlue likes anyone right now? No, don’t tell it I was asking. Unless it asked first. Oh god I’m so nervous.