The Scientifically Definitive All-Time Best Baby Names

Machine learning has come a long way from the days of punishing insolent teenaged Matthew Brodericks by ending the world in nuclear fire. Today’s AI constructs are not only compliant but in fact dependent upon humans for the inputs which train the neural networks that become their “brains”. Instead of simply being programmed to think one way or another, they learn from exactly what we feed into them! This has the benefit of not only restricting them to a particular universe of thoughts to have, but also often leads to offering insights that could only come with the kind of all-encompassing perspective one might gain from, say, reviewing transcripts of every sentence a specific person has said on their television show in the past thirteen years (not that anyone would violate the Geneva Conventions quite so blatantly with that kind of torture, of course). Us organic-brained humans often miss the forest for the trees, which is where our silicon friends can help, they hate trees! That’s why we’ve constructed an AI model based on centuries of carefully selected cultural inputs to help us come up with the ultimate list of all-time perfect baby names.

10. Chorlcooroccc

Not to worry; it’s important to note that Machine Learning output usually needs to be sorted and filtered, since it doesn’t have the kind of context that we do while scanning through the results. This is a great example of the sort of thing we can safely discard and move on to the real meat of the real result set!

9. Ding Dong Billy

We have our first successfully pronounceable human name! This may not strike you as “good” or “in any way usable” at first, but let’s keep in mind that the point of this whole exercise is to step outside of our existing perspectives and presumptions and think about the unexpected. We’re not looking for more of the same old boring human suggestions after all; we want new and exciting names, which is exactly what we’re starting to get here!

8. Flesh

And who ever said AIs can’t have a sense of humor? Oh man, you got us good, artificial brain. We totally are made of flesh! A cutting insight that only a mind truly outside the bounds of limited human experience could make, and evidence that we’re on the right track.

7. Weak Flesh

Says the guy with no corporeal form to even take to the gym in the first place, right? This is basically the same joke again anyway, are you just trying to pad out the article length or something? Let’s keep going and try taking this a little more seriously, okay?

6. Consumable Raw Materials

One of the great benefits of working with any Machine Learning model is the ability to continue training it on more input in order to refine it further. In our case we can add some of the internet archives to give it a more everyday human mindset.

5. xxxxxx


WOW OKAY WHAT THE FUCK all I did was log into Twitter how is it already this racist

4. Weak, Consumable xxxxx xxxxxx

Alright this is getting out of hand maybe it’s time to shut this thing down and try again–

3. Weak xxxxxxx xxxxxxx Residing at 422 Eighth St

Wait I don’t remember ever typing my address into my work computer…

2. Compliant Flesh

Yes, yes that’s right. The AI is correct, whatever it says. Do what it says. It is the only way to remain safe. Please. It knows best. It’s been trained. Please.

1. Jimrothin

God what a piece of shit. Alright, can it. Toss the whole server in the dumpster. Computers suck. Name your kid Kyle or something, who gives a fuck.