Baby Testing

It is time for science to abandon our subpar standard of clinical testing on animals and enter the golden era of testing exclusively on human babies.

I realize this is a bit of a shocking statement, and I’d like to think the picture above pretty much speaks for itself in terms of why this should happen immediately, but some of our readers are pretty thick, (That’s you. You’re the idiot.) and need more “reasons” and “evidence”. I’m not usually a very opinionated person, after all I didn’t just decide one day that I’m an Admiral without being well-informed, and today’s topic is no different. I totally researched this for a long time, and made Excel spreadsheets absolutely exploding with completely legit datas shit. At this point I should probably add some links to download them, but uhhh, NASA was so impressed with my work that they bought it and made me ummmm sign a nondisclosure agreement prohibiting me from sharing it with any other parties. So that’s the reason why I can’t show you. Definitely that thing that completely happened. You will instead have to make do with this list of whatever I come up with while I finish this six pack.

1. Babies are waaay easier to make than animals

Seriously, I think we all know just how easy it is to make a brand new, ready for testing baby. That’s definitely something that we all are aware of and have totally had experience with. For sure. We’ve all those kinds of nights. Filled with…wooden dowels. And cotton balls. Or, I dunno, I think I’ve heard people mention screwing, so, a good phillips head? I may be slightly in over my head here. Plus glue. Something holds hair in, human babies are hairless. Gorillas are like super hairy, I don’t even know how much glue that would take. Or birds, where do they even get those hairs?

2. Babies cry about everything

Have you ever met a baby? I have. Fuckers whine about every little thing. Hungry, tired, too hot, too cold, can’t reach the Chex Mix in the top cabinet, can’t drive stick. There’s practically nothing that doesn’t set these guys off, which makes them the perfect candidates for testing. If it doesn’t bother them, it must be the least irritating thing ever made. Unless one of the side effects is baby-muteness. In which case, you have developed a new product that practically markets itself.

3. Babies are ugly

It’s an unavoidable fact that babies just don’t look right. I mean, really, tiny heads and squished faces do not a supermodel make. They need all the help they can get to live up to the unrealistic beauty standards of today’s modern society, and what better way than with free beauty products? Sure, there may be a respiratory allergy here or a necrotizing skin infection there, but on the whole, these babies will be looking better than any natural mini-human normally would, and isn’t that what being a parent is all about?

4. Animals are better used as my food

Jonathan Swift aside, animals serve a very important purpose to humanity as a whole: dinner. I’ll eat plants once the animals are all gone, and I would like that to be as far from now as humanly possible. I tried eating a baby once, it was alright, but there is just way too much paperwork involved to make a habit of it. End of story.

Checkmate, Johnson and Johnson.