Most of our readers, the nicest Spambots you will ever meet, probably don’t consider Warranty Now Void a terribly serious website. Sure, we bring you Tech News and Public Service Announcements, but for the most part our site is recognized for its lighthearted approach and utterly repulsive comics. Recently, however, we have undergone a complete overhaul. And by we, I mean Pope spent shitloads of hours coding and designing while Scawt and I told him to put more dicks in it. The end result is that we now have a new face on the Internet, and we want to branch out from our usual shenaniganry and give back back to society.
We noticed some time ago that Warranty Now Void has the same initials as West Nile Virus: WNV. Sharing an acronym with a zoonotic arbovirus, we thought we could start our philanthropic initiative by clearing up a couple things as we’d hate for anyone to get the two of us confused. We started out with a simple Venn Diagram to illustrate the differences, but then we got a warm fuzzy feeling deep in our hearts and thought maybe we could do even more. That’s right, we started actually researching West Nile Virus.
Our research led us to one and only one conclusion: West Nile Virus is a shit virus and it is no longer worthy of sharing our initials.
We could stop here, but we owe it to the public to get to the bottom of this, and inform you all that West Nile Virus is just an overhyped and ineffective killer. Do you know how many people in the United States West Nile killed last year? 286. I’m sure it killed someone in another country, but I found the only one that matters. There are roughly 313,900,000 people in the United States. West Nile Virus killed 0.00000091% of that population. West Nile - are you even trying?
Fuck it, I’m making another executive decision. west nile is no longer a proper noun. It isn’t even worthy of being capitalized at the beginning of a sentence.
In comparison to west nile’s abysmal K/D ratio, Warranty Now Void indirectly killed 11,217 people last year. “Warranty Now Void” is not yet widely accepted by the Coroner’s Guild as a cause of death, however we are working closely with them to rectify the situation. For the time being, we get our figures from Google Analytics. When a first-time visitor never returns to the site, we really have no other option but to assume that they have committed suicide. For the statisticians following closely, yes, we only killed 0.000357% of the population, but we’re not even trying to murder you people.
All hope is not yet lost for wast niel however. No, that wasn’t a typo; I’ve just also decided it’s no longer worthy of being spelled correctly. There are many complex components involved in contracting wast niel, with lengthy and confusing explanations, but mostly I got sick of reading about it and decided it really wasn’t that important for this article. Basically, you get wast niel from mosquitoes. Many of them carry the so-called virus and spread it to humans through bites. The symptoms can be silent, but come in essentially two modes: slight headache, or extreme inflammation of the brain followed by death. The latter is much more rare, hence its piss-poor murder record. My interpretation of this is that if an infected mosquito bites you and you do get wast niel, you might as well kill yourself anyway since you are essentially operating with an immune system made of wet tissues and sad thoughts. Do us a favor though and visit our page first so we can can add the kill to our tally.
We may have been overly critical of wast niel so far, so at this point we’d like to offer a few things it can do to improve itself. First, get a better transmitter. The current mosquito design is weak and inefficient at delivering its kills. Look at the bubonic plague. That guy really had his shit together. It was carried by fleas on rodents and killed 25 million people in the 14th Century, which weighs in at about 60% of Europe’s human population at the time. If wast niel was able to achieve a fraction of that success we’d be impressed. In the interest of fair play, Warranty Now Void has created the mosquito 2.0, the ultimate mosquito and infinitely better wast niel carrier. As a disclaimer, we don’t exactly understand “evolution,” since as devout Christians we believe God created everything 300 years ago, and that every living creature on this glorious and majestic Earth spewed out of Adam’s penis. I think. I missed a couple of Sunday school classes. The point is, we’ve been mailing these blueprints to the Galapagos Islands where we’re pretty sure the evolution machine is.
We’ve held back a few features to save for Mosquito 3.0 which ideally will be able to transmit wast niel and the bubonic plague at the same time. 4.0 should include the improved mad cow disease and our newly developed, patent-pending, Butt-AIDS.
At this point I think west nile has the potential and can (with a little love and a lot of work) be improved enough that it deserves to be spelled correctly, but there’s still such a long way to go. I’d like to suggest some “quick and dirty” changes that might really help this shit-bird to shine. First off, the current worst case with west nile is inflammation of the brain, so let’s work with that. What is inflammation often confused with? In flames. Perfect. west nile virus now smothers your brain in actual fire. I can sense a small nod of approval coming our way from the bubonic plague. Ultimately the brain flames are probably going to get you, as I remember hearing once that the brain is a somewhat vital organ, but that leaves an entire body woefully under-tortured. We casually mentioned earlier that both west nile and Warranty Now Void don’t like Africa, as, being that it is not the United States, it can only be assumed that it’s terrible there. The World Health Organization will now quarantine all those infected with west nile virus to Africa. That’s right, your brain is on fire and you are probably going to be mauled by a pride of lions who are pissed off that you’re on their lawn, spreading all your brain-fire across the savanna.
In our deep and lengthy research, we discovered that for some inexplicable reason, scientists actually created a west nile vaccine for horses. Horses, and nothing else. I’m not really sure what this means, but the important takeaway here is that horses should suffer too. west nile’s improved formula will be immune to horse-vaccination. In fact, it will react with the vaccine in such a way that it will mutate horses into donkeys. We can all agree that donkeys are like the Jeremy Piven of the horse community. Don’t you fucking act like you don’t know what we mean by that.
Between Mosquito 2.0 and the improved west nile symptoms I think we have the makings of a formidable virus, the likes of which Warranty Now Void would be proud to share initials with. We hope this proposal convinces the proprietors of the current version to finally bring their product into the 21st century. You know where to contact us to negotiate our royalties for use of the aforementioned blueprints.
…Hell, probably.