We all get Spam. It’s normal; it’s a part of life. But no one wants to talk it about. For me, it’s usually at my local Stop & Shop. I tend to walk by the aisle a few times, just to scope things out. This is a very personal matter and you’d hate to run into your former second grade teacher while clenching a juicy can of Spam, sweat beading on your forehead as you study every curve forming the perfection of that blue and yellow can.
Oh, wait. Hold on. Shit…
Pope just informed me that he actually thought I was going to write about Spam email, not the semi-food one. My bad. PUT YOUR BONERS AWAY. Or don’t - you should never let anyone tell you what to do with your boner. We’d just be more comfortable knowing that you read the rest of this article without a throbbing erection. But, again, you’re the boss of your boner here. The commodore of your cock. The emperor of your erection. And for the ladies out there, the viceroy of your vagina.
On to the real meat of the matter: We all get spam email. Most people let it collect in their spam box, where it grows, presumably the stronger messages feeding off the weak, absorbing their energy and penis enlargement pills. It doesn’t really matter though, no one ever actually checks. They sit there, in your spam folder, collecting, growing stronger, sitting at the forefront of science, yet you never bother to check on them. Sure, you go in there once a month or so, do the ole “Select All Messages” and “Delete” maneuver, never stopping for just a moment to ponder the true meaning behind these emails.
I have.
That’s right, I have. I read my spam.
I want to know what happens when I get a six hour erection. I want to find the best price on Cialis. I want to help my new Nigerian Prince friend out that tight spot he’s in. I want to chat with hot, horny singles.
I’ve tasted the fleshy fruits of an Upton Sinclair hellscape, and I return now with news of the other side.
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Sexy Singles
All of the e-mails I receive from self-proclaimed “hot sluts” actually originate from a single webcam girl. She is insatiable; she wants my credit card and she wants it bad. She keeps promising me that a private session will explain it all and make me feel better. Well, after my dad’s second divorce, I figured I couldn’t use his credit card anymore for this soulmate seeking, and that I would just have to trust that the key to a woman’s heart is money. So far, no one has proven that wrong. I mean, my dad seems to be really happy with his mail order bride from Russia - which, case in point, he got with money.
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Cheap Cialias
I’ve ordered drugs from 40 emails soliciting me to do so. You know what I got out of that? Cancer. And now I know the Emergency Room staff better than I know my best friends. It doesn’t work. The one thing I will guarantee that cheap Cialis is NOT going to give you is an erection. Unless you’re into cancer and the smell of the ER, in which case yeah, go to town man. Chub city.
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Nigerian Princes
I did not know that Nigeria had so many Princes. I always kind of figured it was a poorer country, certainly not a country that could sustain such a robust royal family. With that said, I have invested thousands of dollars in their well-being and I can’t think of a downside so far. I have billions of dollars lined up at this point, plus I feel great about helping people down on their luck. Oh, what’s that mom? You want to remind me that I stopped funding my ROTH IRA? Who needs a retirement when I’ve got a fortune coming from the soon to be reinstated monarchy of Nigeria? SO GET OFF MY BACK.
At this point you might say that overall, I am losing on my investment. Sure, I spend more time in the spam box than my inbox at work. True, I neglect most of things in my inbox, which is specifically to set up to field emails from my coworkers, customers, and people I have actually met. All I have going for me right now is the feeling of goodwill from helping my friends in Nigeria. Truth be told, I rub it in my mom’s face that I am going to be a billionaire, but sometimes I worry that if I keep helping them out like this, they won’t need me anymore - and at that point, why would they split their money with me?
Thankfully, I have these three aces in the hole, three emails alone make everything worth it. I am not going to provide commentary on or anything for these. They speak for themselves. Please note, the emails below are completely unedited from their original form and are 100% real.
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Although our foreign friends send us some choice cuts, WNV recommends that you keep your Spam local. Head over to your grocery store and get a can of the good stuff. Go ahead - you earned that erection.