Dear Comrades,
I am Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, greatest all-powerful democratic ruler of greatest Mother Russia.
It has come to Putin’s attention that the Homeland has drawn much criticism from Western regime in terms of gift Putin offer to world by hosting Winter Olympics. These harsh words make Putin sad - Putin try so hard to make best Olympics and show world why Motherland is best.
Hosting the Olympics is a great honor and requires significant preparations. Thankfully Mother Russia is blessed with best lands and not as much preparations needed as other countries need.
Example is:
- China needed to move all air pollution to other places so babies not die. Grown man should breathes air fine. Putin smart though and let ground soak up all nuclear radiation and leaks. In ground it is safe and not bother people. Also make Motherland stronger, she drink up radiation like Putin does.
- Canada terrible country. They could not fix for Olympics.
Putin is a humble man though and will own up to shortcomings. Things not perfect, and never is. Except Putin, Putin is perfect man. In Sochi, been some criticisms that Putin would like to address. Putin has killed most people that start these rumors, and tell them before killing why they wrong, but since they are kill, they can not be telling reasons to rest of world.
1. Stray dogs and killing of stray dogs
This actually two separate items that Western regime get wrong in stories. Real story is Putin had to have all people of Sochi killed to make room for Olympics. That where killing part come in. All “stray” dogs are belong of killed people, but Putin like dogs, so he not kill. Putin is kind hearted and have dogs picked up in garbage trucks so he sell for food. Putin very thrifty.
2. Water is not water colored?
Putin drink delicious water of Motherland whole life. Grow strong and perfect. Water always look like that. But if not like, Putin is generous and share vodka.
3. Hotel rooms not have doors
Putin build hotels special like that. Have locks and doors means deter robbers and thievery, and Putin never turn down good fight. Or bad fight.
4. Two toilets in single bathroom
Some rooms have purposefully because Putin shit like man. Needs two toilets to finish properly without flooding. Putin kind and apologize if offend less manly shitters.
5. Extra light bulbs in room
Honest mistake and Putin not ashamed to say it. Why such big deal? Man should be honored. Light bulb rare commodity some places, and Putin trade for vodka.
6. Pictures of shirtless Putin hung over bed in all rooms
Putin not understand question.
7. Malfunction with circle lighting on Opening Ceremony
This not problem if they do Putin’s original idea of letting Putin drink vodka and wrestle bears inside large metal cage, then drink vodka with bears. Putin also feed engineer responsible to tiger so not happen again.
Putin and Mother Russia very proud of Olympics and showmanship shown so far. World should thank Putin for making sure no gays spoil.
Since Putin has now addressed criticisms of Western regime, Putin feeling better and would like to share ideas that in Putin’s brain for next time Motherland host Olympics. Putin so sure of success with Olympics that he tell history Russia invent Olympics.
- Since water unpopular, Putin replace all water fountains with vodka. This more natural anyways and give athletes strength.
- Putin compete in all events. Putin perfect and want to show world his strength.
- Putin add events for bear fighting. Putin not compete though because he know it unfair to compete with such advantage.
- Host Olympics at Chernobyl. Is beautiful land and Putin not need to kill inhabitants to make room. Or dogs. Save Motherland from undue criticism.
- Putin go on camping trip to Chernobyl to prove radiation is propaganda from West. Putin can also put reactor back online to provide electricity for Olympics.
- Gold medal winners get to kill last place contestant. Putin like idea of strong beating the weak. Is story of life.
- Open amusement park call Putinland for children. Children get to wrestle baby bears, throw stones at gays, learn drinking games, play simulator game Try to attack Motherland in Winter, and ride the “USSR Powercoaster”.
There you have it. Putin and Mother Russia will accept apologies for undue criticisms. Please mail to:
Mother Russia
Attn: Commander Vladimir Putin
1 Kremlin Way
Moscow, Russia
If not receive, Putin know where you live.
With kindest regards, I am
Vlad