2014 Winter Olympics Update

The 2014 Winter Olympics are well underway, and the event everyone’s been waiting for is finally getting started: Unprovoked Invasion. Russia is off to a commanding lead right out of the gate, leaving the other highly favored contenders, USA and Germany, far behind in the occupation of this year’s playing field, Ukraine.

Russian forces made a surprisingly stealthy play by secretly occupying the Autonomous Republic of Crimea about two weeks ago while disguised as Russian soldiers. Ukrainian troops were caught off guard by the sudden influx of new military personnel into the peninsula who promised they were, “totally not Russians or anything why would you even ask that, comrade?”

President-God-Emperor Putin held a press conference, which has gained notoriety as one of Putin’s longest yet, explaining the situation and Russian involvement. WNV has obtained a full transcript:

March 4, 2014, 15:40 
Novo-Ogaryovo, Moscow Region

Russia troop only move inside Russia. So, Crimea inside Russia. 
Stop question now.

President Obama has expressed disappointment in his team’s performance. “You know, we just didn’t give 110% out there. The Russians, man, they really wanted it this year. These guys, they were playing as though this was their only deep warm water port and the strategic key to their naval power in the region and perhaps also the world. They really left everything out on the field.”

He does however, remain hopeful for the future. “We’ll just have to work even harder in the off-season, occupying a few third world countries at once, really beefing up on the fundamentals, and I think we’ll have a much stronger showing next time around. We’ll really have something to prove, you know?”

Despite favorable pre-season performances, Germany has still yet to win gold in the event since its back-to-back victories in 1939 and 1940.