I am Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin, greatest all-powerful democratic ruler of greatest Mother Russia.
Western news media has made much story of recent Putin absence from public appearance for ten days. Putin now explain this. Great and glorious Motherland faced serious attack from west and was need to be stopped. Spy from west has make infiltrations into long time heart of Russian territory: Crimea. This is clear act of aggression from west and can not stand, so Russia sends best and most powerful force to destroy western agent: Putin.
Putin track spy for short time as he travel further into Russia to discover his intentions. Putin meet spy on many occasion, but he give fake name of James St. John Smythe. Putin nearly laugh in face of spy when he hear this name, but instead maintain composure, give own fake name. Vladimir Vladimirovich Petrov. Spy has no idea.
After watch spy, Putin realize he is truly decadent western fool. His mission only to make many sex with Russian woman and drink only small amount of vodka. Is not even pure vodka. Is mix with foolishness. It is clear spy only want to infuriate Putin and Mother Russia.
Putin decide he has seen enough. Is time to end western games. In preparation, Putin enter forests to do glorious battle with bear. Bear is formidable opponent, but is defeat in face of strong Russian man. Putin now have bear arms as weapon against spy. Sacrifice of bear for Mother Russia will not be forgotten.
Putin return to find spy making video. Putin not care what video about, is probably for insults to Russia. Putin take spy man. Is easy. He cannot stand against Putin’s bear arms. Many western accomplices flee, but is no matter. Spy will be example.
Spy is foolish man, expect Putin to now talk much on details of world domination plans. Instead, Putin tell him only truth: Russia is true Motherland, is her destiny to be Mother to all of world. This is only plan necessary. Putin then kill spy.
Now, west has learn important lesson. Putin and Russia have no intimidate by so-call “super spy.” Putin and Russia tear spy to pieces with bear arms. Is literal. All of west will fall soon enough and feel loving embrace of Mother Russia.
[UPDATE: We received a second letter almost immediately after the first and have added it below. -Ed.]
It has come to attention this was not spy. This was western movie. Dead man was stunt double. Do not print letter.