Guide to 2020 Candidates

Can you believe it? After a solid start of three full years, there’s less than a year to go until the 2020 US election; it’s practically right around the corner! We know that seems like barely enough time to find one specific candidate onto which to pin all your hopes for the future of the country, world, and human race only to be inevitably let down when they fundamentally have no lasting effect on any of those things, even if especially if they win, but with our guide it’ll be easy! We’ve done the deep research on every policy, proposal, and promise put forth by every entrant in this wide field and distilled it all down into an easy to read guide so you don’t have to.

The President

That’s right haters, he’s back and he’s ready to do it again. The guy we all know from the first time he did this very important job is here for round two and this time he wants to keep doing all the same stuff he’s been doing, which I’m sure we’re all familiar with so I won’t bother listing it here. He’s had some number of years, but he’s decided it’s not enough and he’s ready for more. I don’t think I have to explain what that means because we’ve all been living out here in the world with access to news and the internet and loved ones and everything.


It was only a matter of time before the celebrities got into the business of running the biggest show in the world: America. It’s time to see if star power translates to state power as the brightest of them all throws her hat into the ring. Under a bold new type of redistributive program where select groups of citizens are given cool prizes once a week, a President Oprah would certainly make her mark on this country’s history.

Uhh.. I dunno, My Dad?

The qualifications are obvious:

  • He’s the guy who set me straight on the road to success, so I’d trust him to do the same for the country.
  • He’s definitely not just the only other person I could think of while writing this.
  • He has a strong, distinguished look that says to other world leaders: “We mean business!” Or, at least, he used to, before I was locked in this content dungeon. Oh god, now that I think about it, I can barely even remember his face. I have to get out of here.

The People Who Run This Website

You already know them for their great content, which they create for you on their own, every week, now get ready to picture that at the scale of America. It’s a well-established fact that the internet is significantly larger and more consequential than any one simple country, so it just makes sense that anyone who can stay on top of that kind of massive ecosystem would be almost overqualified for a small job like President. They’re great and I think giving them something important to do so they shut down their website and don’t need anyone making content for it anymore would be a great idea. For all of us.

Okay, I wrote the thing, can I go now? It’s been thirteen years since I answered that craigslist ad for an internship and I really think we’re kind of stretching the definition here. Is anyone actually getting these anymore? I’m feeding them into the machine but I don’t hear anything back, is the site even still running?

Anyone? Hello?