10 Reasons to Watch Team USA in The World Cup

Few events bring the entire world together in such a way as the FIFA World Cup. For a few weeks every four years, the world unites in the spirit of good-natured competition and rivalry to make the World Cup the most popular and widely televised sporting event ever, outshining even the Olympics. Nations big and small, rich and poor, terrorist-y and non-terrorist-y set aside their real-world differences to instead battle for glory on the pitch. Even the US, despite never having won one, still vies for the coveted cup, and needs our support to help make it happen.

1. Our Trophy Shelf Is Lacking

We’ve been the world champions of more things than I can even count, Baseball, Football, World War, but there’s one large, dusty space conspicuously empty on our national trophy shelf. In order to–

Wait, what, we’re out already? Fuck that. I don’t give a shit anymore.