For Fuck's Sake, Twitter: E Pluribus Unum Edition

Today’s post is coming to you live from a bunker beneath the wasteland that was once known as the United States of America. The country has descended into chaos and anarchy on this, the seventh day after the federal government was shut down due to Congress’s inability to reach a budget. We have retreated to the WNV bunker in an undisclosed location in order to avoid the roaming bands of raiders preying on Internet content generators for their meaty brains.

Nah, who am I kidding. I wouldn’t have noticed this whole shutdown thing if it weren’t plastered all over every piece of media from Facebook to bus ads. Here’s essentially everything you need to understand: Boehner and the Republicans say Obama and the Democrats won’t play nice, and everyone went home, but before they left, they shut off all the lights and National Parks and NASA. Seriously, if you’ve ever left your National Aeronautics and Space Administration running while you were gone on vacation, you wouldn’t question these motives for a second.

Now let’s move into the wonderful world of Twitter, so be sure to leave your logical thinking and rationality at the door, because where we’re headed, such things will get you lynched.

A Line Too Far

Closing National Parks is one thing, but closing Nana? That’s it, Obama. You’ve gone too far this time.

Seriously, I have no idea what legitimate reason there could be for the federal government shutdown preventing this woman from visiting her Nana. Was Nancy Pelosi personally giving her a ride to the nursing home every weekend? Although, I suppose it’s possible that Nana is actually Yellowstone. In which case, she should really get a doctor to look at that Old Faithful thing.

Wake Up, Sheeple!

Holy shit, you guys! This Bhussein fellow is slowly forming a dictatorship right under our noses! It’s as though the shutdown is only following the predetermined parameters for a governmental shutdown. This is a travesty! If only I had any idea who the hell that was, I would protest the shit out of all the power he has!

Oh, that’s right, you’re referring to President Barack Obama, whose middle name happens to be shared with a certain former Middle Eastern dictator. This is a problem for people who believe that middle names are created through some act of prophetic predestination, and not just whatever the parents felt like at the time. By this same reasoning, there should be a huge effort to find and murder all children named Adolf, and I am going to become a globally successful Italian chef.

My chicken parmesan is mediocre at best.

Just Get a New One, Asshole

I, too, have no respect or sympathy for anyone not willing to throw away their entire career in a time when jobs are less than abundant in an attempt at a protest whose overall effectiveness will amount to roughly as much as throwing a dead hamster at an M2 Bradley Tank. What a bunch of selfish turds, right?

Porous at Best

The government is shut down. Security across the nation has been disabled. Anyone can carry a gun, drugs, or a drug-filled gun into anyplace they please, and there is no one to stop them. Lawlessness and destruction are all that we as Americans will know henceforth. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to shove as much heroin into this AK-47 as possible because of reasons. Who’s going to stop me, your precious government?


That’s it, everyone. The ocean is closed. The whole thing. Obama finally decided we’re not using it anymore. I’m really beginning to regret voting to allow him to sit in front of that switchboard with all the toggles for various aspects of reality. What’s next, Obama, shutting down cats? Well, you can’t have my pussy you son of a bitch.

Giving Back

You know what, I think it’s time we make an effort to reach out to these poor, confused souls and offer a bit of our collective WNV-brand wisdom in an effort to bridge the gap and bring all our fellow Internet users together to find decent and logical solutions to our problems.

Or, you know, whatever.