This year, we’ve had to skip a lot of the usual traditions, and Halloween is about to become one of them. So to help out our readers, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to go out and do all the trick or treating we could handle, carefully documenting every step of the way here, so you can stay safely at home. This experience is bound to be just as good as the real thing.
The Neighbors with the 12 ft Home Depot Skeleton
Presentation:
This was the first house we visited, the extremely large skeleton acting as a lighthouse for our spooky ship, guiding us to the candy port.
Interaction:
The man who answered the door was friendly enough, commenting on our elaborate costumes as he stuffed our bags. It wasn’t until we were ready to leave that his demeanor changed. His face became hard and dark, his tone unyielding. “Did you see the skeleton?” he asked us flatly, his eyes slowly becoming unfocused. We tried to tell him that of course we did and it was why we came in the first place, but her dead-eyed stare all but paralyzed us. It was all we could do to force ourselves to slowly walk backwards across the lawn and out to the street, where our senses finally came back to us. I would almost swear that as we made our way deeper into the neighborhood, the giant skeleton’s skull turned and its empty eyes followed us.
Candy Haul:
One novelty 2 foot long Toblerone
The Neighbors with a Trump 2020 Sign
Presentation:
The “In this house we don’t call 9-1-1” sign featuring a photorealistic handgun pointed directly at the viewer hanging above the doorbell gave us some pause, but we soldiered on.
Interaction:
As the door opened, we were blasted by a gust of air thick with coughs and other aerosolized bodily fluids, mingled with the sound of the Star Spangled Banner playing on what seemed to be a loop. Just inside we could see an older man who would gingerly attempt to seat himself back in his chair every time it finished, only to hurriedly stand back at attention and salute when it inevitably started again. We had enough time to witness at least three iterations of this cycle as the woman at the door had plenty to tell us about the Democrats like how Tom Hanks had already been secretly executed at Guantanamo Bay and we shouldn’t be celebrating his crimes (she was apparently confused by my Buzz Lightyear costume).
Candy Haul:
A lecture on how we shouldn’t give in to “PC Cancel Culture” by not wearing a costume involving blackface. Also COVID.
The Two Luxury Condos Built Last Week Where Sixteen Apartments Used To Be
Presentation:
The sheer glass cliff face reflecting moonlight directly into our eyes made it hard to find the gray steel front door, but after a few minutes we successfully managed to reach the video intercom system.
Interaction:
The first door we rang seemed a little bit skeptical, especially when they threatened to put the recorded video of us on Ring Neighborhood to let everyone in the area know what kind of dangerous hoodlum behavior we were up to. By the time we got to the second, explaining that “trick or treat” was not so much a direct threat as a traditional greeting, as we told the police while they handcuffed us, didn’t help de-escalate the situation.
Candy Haul:
The cops didn’t take anything from our bags when they let us out of holding so I guess that’s a win.
The Black Obelisk
Presentation:
These decorations were amazing; the rest of the neighborhood faded into inky blackness the closer we approached, and the chanting voices seemed to be in our own skulls! I’ll have to revisit the Halloween section of Target soon. We were unable to find anything resembling a door, so we resorted to simply knocking on the few parts of its smooth surface not carved deeply with inscrutable hieroglyphs.
Interaction:
The first thing we noticed was the blood oozing from each others’ eyes, but it didn’t take long for it to be obvious that the only thing either of us could hear was the rhythmic chanting in some unknown language. Even our own screams were drowned out by the incomprehensible intonations in their deafening yet crystal clear whispers. Thankfully, that was when the 12 foot Home Depot Skeleton emerged from the night, the woman from the first house perched on its shoulders like a child seeming to direct it forward. At her command, it began attacking the obelisk itself, beating its massive bony hands against the stone and, amazingly, managing to knock large chunks out of it with each blow. This seemed to refocus its machinations from us onto the Skeleton entirely, allowing us a moment to escape down the street.
Candy Haul:
We later found a handful of human molars in each of our bags that we have no memory of, along with a mini Three Musketeers.