Warranty Know Void is a learning series for the terminally stupid provided at no cost by the makers of popular website for, by, and of shitheads, Warranty Now Void.
Now that the end of quaran-time is in sight, you might not really need this information anymore. But! In typical WNV style, we’re here when you least need us anyway with a helpful guide on how to handle (for the long term) another pandemic or socio-political war. Each of which, presumably, we’ll have three of by the end of April. So here’s what we’ve learned over the last year about how to get everything you need for a meal that - can you believe it? - you can grow ✨yourself✨!
First, let’s talk prep
It’s important to prime a few things to ensure you grow the best ingredients you can, just in case you can’t get to a grocery store, or Karen and her husband Kyle take the last bits of basil while maintaining direct eye contact with you. Even though they see you’re clearly trying to make some pasta sauce, AND they already have TWO OTHER TYPES OF BASIL IN THEIR CART, WHY DO THEY NEED A THIRD WHEN YOU HAVE NONE? THEY’RE NOT EVEN GOING TO USE ALL THAT BEFORE IT ROTS, THIS IS ON PURPOSE ISN’T IT? IF THIS IS BECAUSE OF WHAT I DID IN THE BREAD AISLE, I TOLD YOU IT WAS AN ACCIDENT I DIDN’T KNOW IT WAS YOUR HUSB–
Whew! Okay. I’m good. I’m not mad. Where were we?
Oh right, prepping your tools and having the right equipment. You’ll need:
- A place to put soil. Preferably the ground, but anything works as long as there’s gravity.
- Some tools. Doesn’t really matter what kind. Got a saw? Use it!
- A shovel. Forget what I said before. You specifically need this one.
- Stuff to plant. These are called
plants. - Resolve.
- A get out of jail free card from EA Sports’ socialist augmented reality game Monopoly.
- Some other shit, god are we done yet? I’m hungry and there’s dirt all over my carpet.
All right, let’s grow!
- Salt the earth so the veggies come up seasoned. This saves you time later!
- Stir the salted earth to make sure it touches everything you’re about to plant. You don’t want an unseasoned dinner!
- We’re gonna need chicken, so grab an egg from the carton in the fridge that we both know is 6 weeks past it’s date. Plant the egg.
- In the dead of night, climb over the fence between your house and your neighbor’s. When the dog starts barking, give it some treats to befriend it. Once you and the dog are friends, take it for a walk. Tell the dog it’s a good dog and a pretty dog. You have established a life-long bond with the dog. Now, you can have it show you where your neighbor’s parents live and rummage through their trash. Grab whatever meat bones you can.
- Your neighbor was visiting his parents and caught you. Use the shovel and take care of the problem.
- WHAT HAVE YOU DONE YOU WERE ONLY SUPPOSED TO THROW THE SHOVEL SO THE DOG WOULD CHASE IT AND DISTRACT THE FAMILY WHILE YOU RAN AWAY. WHY WAS YOUR FIRST THOUGHT MURDER???
- Ok, so I reread step 5 and see where I contributed to this problem. My bad. I guess finish out your sentence and then proceed to step 8. Your dirt will wait for you faithfully.
- Plant some actual plants. I dunno man, I don’t want to tell you to do things after you just got out of the clink.
- Use gatorade to hydrate your plants and give them some life. Mix in some essential oils and vitamins so that chicken you planted grows up strong too.
- Wait a long time. Like, a really long time for stuff to sprout. Probably order some pizzas while you wait. It’s gonna be a while. Remember how patiently the soil waited for you? That’s right, it’s your turn, buddy.
- Harvest your meat and veggies- remember, they’re preseasoned! That means you don’t have to cook them!
You’re all done! If it didn’t work, it must be something you did. This is what worked for us.
Come back for more Warranty Know Void whenever you need to know something, or just, I dunno, youtube it I guess. What the fuck am I, your dad?
Addendum
Okay, we’ve gotten your emails, DMs, AOL Instant Messages, iMessages, Yos, Hangouts, MSN Messenger Messages, and notes keyed into the sides of our cars. We get it, we fucked up. We didn’t offer a keto option. We’re sorry, and we’ll try to do better in the future. Anyway, here’s one we just cooked up down in the test kitchen for all of you:
Growing a Keto-friendly Meal
- Plant bones
- ???
- Harvest meat
- Fuck you