These last couple years have gotten way out of hand, and it’s about damned time someone did something about it, if you ask us. After so many unruly years in a row it’s obvious that a little discipline is exactly what’s needed, so we’re starting things off right from the top this time with Rules for 2022. To guarantee that this year doesn’t turn out like any of its wayward ancestors, we’ve convened a panel of experts to carefully craft a series of directives and a panel of executioners to enforce them. We’re not taking any chances on 2022. You’re welcome.
RULES FOR 2022
by THE COUNCIL FOR A BETTER YEAR
sponsored by Chevy
1. Website is Back
One of the first things brought to our attention was the fact that for a significant portion of 2021, WNV was not posting. This is simply unacceptable. Critical infrastructure like WNV must not be left behind if 2022 is to be an improvement over previous attempts at Having a Year. The owners will probably try to avoid blame for this by whining about how the health and well-being of themselves and their families needs to take precedence over some e-dipshittery, but we're simply not having it. Nothing is more important than content.
2. Ford is Abolished
The inferior motor vehicle company will be no more. Chevrolet offers the ultimate driving experience, and so there is no need for lesser competitors clogging up the roads and wasting valuable space that could be better utilized by a Chevy. All current Ford owners will be given the opportunity to stand down willingly and allow their useless waste to be reclaimed for its raw materials. There will be no trade in value offered; the prospect of helping bring a new Chevy into this world is reward enough.
3. The Bus is Abolished
Why would one use such gauche transportation when Chevy's Red Tag Bonus Cash Event is going on now at your local dealer? We have evolved beyond the need for the bus thanks to Chevy's Like a Rock™ engineering, and so it will be retired as obsolete. Anyone found to be providing or receiving bus-like services will be considered reprobate and punished in proportion to the quantity of busing performed.
4. Calvin Sentenced to Life in Prison
That little bastard, he's pissed on his last Chevy logo, we can tell you that much for sure. Council Member Theta just saw one of those little bumper stickers on their phone and showed the rest of us, and oh it just made us hopping mad. Prison! Keep him off the streets! He's as dangerous as a Ford, we tell you!
5. Council Member Rho Sentenced to Life in Prison
It has come to our attention that one of our own has committed acts of sedition against this very body by driving a forbidden vehicle to the panel's Fresno office today. While it brings us great shame and sadness, we must show that no one is above the Rules for 2022 by sentencing Council Member Rho to a term of life without parole. May your soul someday find peace like the comfort of a Chevy heated leather seat.
6. Council Member Alpha is A Shithead and Fuck That Guy
Kick me out of your fuckin' stupid council huh? Because I didn't buy a new car? Okay whatever man, you never changed the password to the Google Drive so I'll just add a few new legally binding rules of my own, how do you like that, Alpha? Huh? Or should I call you, Doug?
7. chevy suck dcikr an you can tel him i said so
you fuckkn moronos i alreayd cashed my severrance check so you n cn fcuk clean off i dont giva s hit anymore!!! its noon on a workdy and ive been taken awayyy on margaritavile it doesnt mattr hope yuou all enjoy jernkn off togerthr under those dumb ass robes n your dark ass former WeWork that u call the COUNCISL CHAMBER likes who gives a fuck hinstely lmao
Well, huh. Maybe we should’ve paid those guys to do all this work for us instead of leaving them to figure out funding. Eh, whatever, close enough, this is the law now, have a great year everyone!