Pope (10:45am): Good morning, world, and welcome to our very first, highly anticipated liveblog of #SNOWPOCALYPSE2015: #THE #END #OF #EVERYTHING. Our team is braving the devastation to bring you the most up to date and vital information.
Pope (10:45am): I’ll be coming to you live from Somerville with all the latest street sweeping and hipster interest news.
Rowe (10:46am): Western MA reporting in.
Steven (10:46am): WNV headquarters in Boston’s Back Bay checking in.
Erik (10:46am): HAAAHAAAR!
Jimothy (10:47am): Guys I don’t think this is a very good idea. The governor said to take this storm seriously. I probably shouldn’t be out here on the street like this…
Mark (10:48am): Fuck you guys, I’m not going anywhere today. I’ll do this shit from my house in Brighton. GUYS LOOK IT’S SNOWING! OH NO! Fuck you.
Scawt (10:50am): Mmmmph.
Erik (11:11am): Wake early if you want another man’s life or land. No lamb for the lazy wolf. No battle’s won in bed.
Pope (11:12am): Um, okay. That’s cool. Wait who are you again? How’d you get on here?
Erik (11:20am): Never walk away from home ahead of your axe and sword. You can’t feel a battle in your bones or foresee a fight.
Pope (11:21am): Sure, sure, solid advice. So anyway, things are looking pretty rough out there, easy two feet here outside my door, and that wind sure seems brutal. How about everyone else?
Mark (11:22am): How the fuck should I know? I’m still in my bed. Eat a dick.
Rowe (11:23am): Oh no.
Rowe (11:23am): Oh no no no no.
Rowe (11:23am): There’s some ice within 20 feet of the power lines.
Rowe (11:23am): NO DON’T TAKE MY ELECTRICIT–
Jimothy (11:25am): Oh god is he dead? DID HE JUST DIE? I KNEW I SHOULDN’T BE OUT HERE
Pope (11:37am): He’s not dead, he just lost power. Relax and tell us what’s going on out there.
Jimothy (11:38am): What the hell do you THINK is going on out here? The air is full of tiny knives and every step I take, I sink deeper into this abyss of snow
Jimothy (11:38am): Oh god it’s so cold
Pope (11:40am): Haha, oh boy, sounds like you’re in some deep trouble
Jimothy (11:41am): …
Steven (11:55am): Guys, I think I might be having some trouble here…
Steven (11:56am): Remember those wolves I mentioned before?
Jimothy (11:57am): WOLVES? ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Mark (11:57am): Hahaha you guys are idiots
Pope (11:58am): No. You did not mention any wolves. Ever.
Steven (11:59am): Oh, well there were some wolves. No big deal. Just circling the building. Not a problem. They can’t get up here. Forget I said anything.
Mark (11:59am): I can do that.
Pope (12:02pm): Well, we’ve got wolves in Boston, no power in Western MA, and boy is my car buried! I just wish I had some patio furniture to send you guys pictures of every five minutes.
Jimothy (12:03pm): GUYS I’M REALLY FREAKING OUT HERE, THERE ARE WOLVES AND I’M SO COLD AND I THINK MY LEG IS STUCK
Pope (12:05pm): Relax, dude, just ask someone walking by on the street to help you get out of there
Jimothy (12:06pm): WHO?!
Pope (12:17pm): Boy it’s pretty desolate out there I guess. Well, I’m sure you’ll find your way out. What are we hearing from the scientific community?
Scawt (12:19pm): MIT appears to be building some sort of perpetual motion device to power an enormous train
Scawt (12:19pm): Buncha stupid nerds
Pope (12:20pm): That seems a little premature
Mark (12:21pm): The scientific community of my dick thinks you’re all a bunch of little bitches whining about some snow. Why are we even doing this live thing?
Pope (12:22pm): Hey man, just because you were well prepared for this storm doesn’t mean everyone is handling it as well. Just be happy that you got all the bread and milk you need in advance.
Mark (12:24pm): Bread and milk? What the fuck do I need that for? I’ve got a whole kitchen full of actual food.
Pope (12:24pm): …you didn’t get any bread or milk?
Scawt (12:25pm): Dude…
Jimothy (12:25pm): YOU DUMB SHIT
Steven (12:26pm): Hey guys?
Steven (12:26pm): Oh never mind, you’re in the middle of something, it’s no big deal
Erik (12:27pm): The one called Mark is a foolish man indeed!
Mark (12:28pm): Oh, whatever. You jackasses will overreact to anything.
Mark (12:28pm): I am starting to get a little hungry though, so I’ll be right back.
Pope (12:32pm): Everyone, I have some bad news.
Pope (12:34pm): I was on Skype with Mark just now, and this may be a bit hard to watch, but I captured a gif.
Pope (12:36pm): Mark has died of an acute bread and milk deficiency.
Erik (12:41pm): Cattle die, kinsmen die, all men are mortal. Words of praise will never perish, nor a noble name.
Jimothy (12:42pm): Yeah, but he was kind of a dick so whatever.
Erik (12:43pm): HAAHAAAR! A DICK FOR TRUE!
Pope (12:45pm): Let’s all take a moment of silence to remember that douchebag
Pope (12:45pm): And so I can head outside to mediate a fight between a Somerville street sweeper and the snow plows in my street
Pope (2:05pm): And we’re back live! What did I miss, everyone?
Scawt (2:09pm): I’ve discovered a small village populated only by an incestuous old man and his hundred daughter/wives
Scawt (2:10pm): It’s called “Lynn”
Scawt (2:11pm): One wife bore him a son last night. I saw him carry it out into Rumney Marsh in Revere but lost sight of them in the bushes
Scawt (2:11pm): I fear the worst for the child
Scawt (2:12pm): Also my dog pooped in the hallway.
Pope (2:14pm): Uh oh, I hope your neighbors don’t read this liveblag, loooool
Jimothy (2:15pm): ARE YOU JUST IGNORING THE THING ABOUT THE BABY? WHAT THE FUCK
Pope (2:15pm): How are things in the city, guys?
Jimothy (2:16pm): THIS IS FUCKED UP. SERIOUSLY.
Jimothy (2:17pm): MY PHONE’S CAPS LOCK KEY HAS FROZEN IN THE ‘ON’ POSITION
Steven (2:17pm): Boy that snow is, well, it’s really starting to pile up, huh.
Steven (2:18pm): Man, that
Steven (2:18pm): That is some high snowbank right below my window here
Steven (2:19pm): I just hope the wolves don’t realize they can get up here now, right? Heh, right?
Steven (2:24pm): Guys?
Erik (2:25pm): Many a coastal village has fallen to us this day! Few of my men have gone to Sovngard, but they will rest easy knowing the battles have been glorious indeed!
Pope (2:26pm): Haha, that’s great. Good to hear everyone is handling this storm alright.
Pope (2:27pm): Shoveling out the sidewalk is pretty hard work, am I right?
Jimothy (2:28pm): I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN LAST OUT HERE
Erik (2:34pm): Take heart, Jimothy! The day is nearly won! Your reward awaits you, whether in Sovngarde or the next village, it is all for you to take!
Jimothy (2:35pm): WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU
Pope (2:36pm): I have no idea, but he makes a good point. Quit whining.
Jimothy (2:36pm): MY SKIN HURTS
Jimothy (2:48pm): I’VE DICOVERED SOME FOOTPRINTS THROUGH THE SNOW, I’M GOING TO FOLLOW THEM IN THE HOPES OF FINDING RESCUE
Pope (2:49pm): Oh, cool, cool. Let us know how that goes.
Jimothy (2:55pm): Great news, guys! I found a friendly group of people out here who are totally willing to let me join them and share their camp!
Jimothy (2:56pm): My fingers are finally unfrozen and we had a delicious meal of something they called “roasted long pork.”
Pope (2:57pm): That’s good buddy, but we’re going to need you back out in the storm
Pope (2:58pm): This isn’t the liveblog of Some Random Guys I Met On The Street, now is it?
Jimothy (2:59pm): You know what, screw you guys and your liveblog
Jimothy (3:01pm): I’ve got some new friends who actually appreciate me
Jimothy (3:01pm): And those Taco Bell free taco vouchers you guys were paying me in expired like six years ago
Jimothy (3:02pm): This is the shittiest internship ever
Pope (3:03pm): Hey those vouchers are collectibles!
Steven (3:05pm): Yeah man, I’ve made $730 selling those on eBay this month alone
Jimothy (3:07pm): You can all go straight to hell.
Jimothy (3:08pm): Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m needed here.
Jimothy (3:08pm): By my real friends.
Jimothy (3:09pm): They like me so much they’re already making jokes about how close our friendship is, like closer than if we were married or something
Jimothy (3:09pm): I don’t totally follow, they have a weird sense of humor
Scawt (3:10pm): Did any of them use the phrase “snow bride”?
Jimothy (3:11pm): Yeah, that’s the one. I think they’re foreign, must be some expression I’ve never heard of.
Jimothy (3:11pm): Anyway, see you losers later. I’m going to go work to “repay my debt.” Probably a lot of shoveling that needs to be done.
Scawt (3:12pm): I can guarantee you something is about to get plowed.
Pope (3:13pm): I have a really great feeling about this.
Pope (3:14pm): Who knew that this storm would bring us all such good luck. Jim has found some great new friends, Erik has pillaged the entire north shore, Mark is dead and we’re all a lot happier for it. I wonder what good fortunes are coming our way next.
Pope (4:49pm): Joining us now with updates on the state of emergency and storm cleanup is Massachusetts Governor Charlie Baker
Pope (4:49pm): Uh, no wait, sorry. It’s actually former Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick
Pope (4:51pm): Scratch that. Former Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick’s MEMA Vest.
Pope (4:51pm): Yep. That’s who we got to agree to comment here. A vest.
Pope (4:52pm): Welcome to the WNV Liveblog, Mr. Vest
MEMA Vest (4:52pm):
Pope (4:54pm): I’m not entirely sure how to address you, sir. Is there a specific title? Governor-vest? Govestinor? Article of Clothing?
Pope (4:54pm): I’ll just call you MEMA if I may.
MEMA Vest (4:55pm):
Pope (4:55pm): I see.
Pope (4:56pm): MEMA, the storm seems to have fallen short of the massive predictions, but still managed to dump an extreme amount of snow on the area. How is the state cleanup coming along so far?
MEMA Vest (4:57pm):
Pope (4:57pm): That’s good to hear.
Pope (4:58pm): I’ve heard that the travel ban has been lifted in the western half of the state, but remains in effect to the east. Are we expecting much more in terms of snowfall for the rest of the night?
MEMA Vest (4:59pm):
Pope (5:00pm): Haha, of course.
Pope (5:01pm): Have there been any major incidents as a direct result of the storm as yet?
Pope (5:01pm): And if so, what is the state’s response?
MEMA Vest (5:02pm):
Pope (5:02pm): Truly fascinating. I had no idea that law was still on the books in MA. I suppose we should all get our powdered wigs on.
MEMA Vest (5:03pm):
Pope (5:04pm): My apologies, Your Vestitude. I had no idea those textiles were so offensive to your kind.
Pope (5:05pm): Moving on
Pope (5:05pm): Is MBTA service scheduled to resume normally tomorrow?
Pope (5:05pm): Or are we expecting another day’s worth of cleanup ahead of us?
MEMA Vest (5:06pm):
Pope (5:06pm): Now that is just uncalled for sir. I have apologized for my comment. Let’s keep this discussion civil. People are depending on this information during this time of crisis.
MEMA Vest (5:07pm):
Pope (5:07pm): Hey, fuck you too, man. That is just low.
Pope (5:07pm): You don’t even know my mother, you fucking vest.
MEMA Vest (5:08pm):
Pope (5:09pm): Yeah well, now I see why the new Governor didn’t even want to wear you, you son of a bitch.
Pope (5:09pm): Get the hell off of our liveblog.
Pope (5:12pm): WNV would like to apologize to all of our readers. When we invite guests to join us, rarely do they conduct themselves in such an untoward manner. Needless to say, the MEMA Vest will not be welcome on our future liveblogs.
Jimothy (8:22pm): Uh hey guys
Jimothy (8:22pm): How is everyone?
Jimothy (8:22pm): Doing good?
Steven (8:23pm): Yes, we are all doing very well. Come to the office and see how well we are all doing together.
Jimothy (8:24pm): Well at least that’s not a super weird thing to say
Pope (8:24pm): Oh.
Pope (8:24pm): Hello, Jimothy.
Jimothy (8:25pm): Heyyyyy
Jimothy (8:25pm): So um
Jimothy (8:26pm): You guys know how I like to joke around right?
Jimothy (8:26pm): Right?
Pope (8:27pm): I’m not sure I do, Jimothy.
Jimothy (8:28pm): Great, so no hard feelings about what I said earlier right?
Jimothy (8:28pm): Great, cool.
Jimothy (8:28pm): Cool cool cool.
Scawt (8:29pm): Oh I’m sure my feelings weren’t the only things that were hard.
Jimothy (8:29pm): So anyway, anyone happen to have somewhere I could
Jimothy (8:29pm): Hide? For a while?
Steven (8:31pm): Yes, come hide at the office. We have plenty of hiding places here. Keep the lights off. You can stay very hidden. No one will ever find you.
Pope (8:32pm): What’s the matter? New best friends in the whole world can’t help?
Jimothy (8:32pm): Oh they uh
Jimothy (8:32pm): They weren’t such great friends in the end
Scawt (8:34pm): No, I’m sure they were definitely friends. In the end.
Jimothy (8:35pm): Look I just need to get inside, you guys don’t know what it’s like out here
Jimothy (8:36pm): Things have changed since the storm
Jimothy (8:36pm): There is no more law or order, only chaos and madness
Jimothy (8:37pm): You guys have to help me, they’ve all got snowmobiles covered with bones and painted with blood
Pope (8:38pm): That’s insane, the storm wasn’t that bad. Where are you?
Jimothy (8:39pm): I think
Jimothy (8:39pm): I think I’m in Dorchester
Pope (8:40pm): Oh god no
Scawt (8:40pm): Holy shit…
Pope (8:41pm): Just stay calm. Focus. And get the hell out of that place as quickly as you can.
Jimothy (8:42pm): I’m trying, I just
Jimothy (8:42pm): I’m all turned around
Jimothy (8:43pm): Oh god I see someone coming
Jimothy (8:44pm): Guys! It’s okay! I’m safe now, it’s the Yeti that lives next door to me!
Jimothy (8:45pm): I know this guy, he’ll take me home in his car
Jimothy (8:45pm): What a relief. I’m just waving him down now. I wonder what he’s doing out here driving around during the storm
Pope (8:46pm): Well, just make sure you liveblog the whole drive home too. Showing someone driving around during a storm when they totally shouldn’t be is pretty much storm report gold right there.
Jimothy (8:50pm): Wait a minute, this isn’t the Yeti from next door, he drives a Prius
Pope (9:05pm): Everyone, I have some bad news
Pope (9:05pm): Jimothy will not be liveblogging his drive home.
Steven (9:06pm): Oh no, come to office to mourn Jimothy; attire is condiments formal
Pope (11:33pm): The storm is dying out, along with, it seems, a significant portion of our staff, so now seems like an appropriate time to bring our #SNOWLOCAUST2015 liveblog to a close.
Pope (11:34pm): We’d like to thank literally no one but our own damn selves, and the Boston Snow Yeti.
Pope (11:35pm): This storm has truly devastated this great state, but I believe that with enough time, we will all recover and rebuild.
Steven (11:36pm): All humans, come to WNV office for great feast. End your suffering.
Steven (11:36pm): By partying.
Pope (11:37pm): I’m in
Steven (11:37pm): The one you call ‘Neeson of Liam’ is not welcome.
Scawt (11:39pm): For your own safety: No one go to this party.
Scawt (11:39pm): What kind of bullshit party doesn’t invite Liam Neeson?
Pope (11:40pm): We are facing hard times, but I know that the spirit of
Pope (11:40pm): Wait, what’s that?
Erik (11:41pm): Great Tirdas to you, my friends!
Pope (11:42pm): Erik! You’re back!
Scawt (11:42pm): Hey it’s
Scawt (11:43pm): that guy.
Erik (11:44pm): Indeed, I have returned, my many sacks heavy with the spoils of glorious battle.
Scawt (11:44pm): Heh.
Erik (11:45pm): Though my time with you was short, I have learned much of the ways of the WNV.
Scawt (11:45pm): Oh great, everyone else was murdered, and now I will be too, all because of my stupid internet website
Scawt (11:45pm): .com
Erik (11:46pm): Nay, Scawt. You shall not go to Sovngarde this day.
Erik (11:47pm): Though one day, you shall. For your work here has earned you a place in the Hall of Valor. You and all of your WNV comrades.
Erik (11:48pm): Except for Mark.
Erik (11:49pm): For he was a massive dick.
Pope (11:49pm): I’m still not totally clear on who you are or how you got a password to this
Pope (11:50pm): But, neat. Thanks.
Erik (11:51pm): No, my friend. Thank you. Thank all of you.
Steven (11:52pm): Come thank us all at the office. Together. The window is open, climb up the snowbank and come right in.
Erik (11:53pm): I surely will not.
Erik (11:53pm): Goodbye, my friends, and may Talos bless all your endeavors!
Pope (11:54pm): Alright, bud. Text me. Let’s go get drunk sometime.
Pope (11:56pm): And that does it for our liveblog. We hope this was not in the least bit informative to you, as that would indicate some sort of serious mental illness on your part.
Steven (11:56pm): Good night, fellow bipeds, may your cubs be many, and potent.
Scawt (11:57pm): Yeah, what the dead guy said.
Pope (11:58pm): Although at least two people died, I would like to consider this liveblog a great success.
Pope (11:58pm): Their bloody, horrific, and easily avoidable deaths only served to lend an air of sincerity to this blog that we otherwise would never have had
Pope (11:59pm): And I thank their disembodied, pulverized, eaten corpses for that.
Rowe (12:00am): Hey guys, finally got power back. I spent all day playing my Game Boy.
Rowe (12:00am): Haha, not such a bad snow day, huh?
Pope (12:01am): God fucking dammit, Rowe. Show some respect.
Pope (12:02am): It’s after midnight. The liveblog ended like two minutes ago. You ruined my dramatic signoff.
Rowe (12:03am): My bad.
Rowe (12:03am): Hey, where’s Steven? He borrowed my Link’s Awakening game and never gave it back.
Steven (12:04am): We are here. We have the Awake Link. Come to the office and we shall feed on you.
Steven (12:04am): We meant give to you. How do you edit a post?
Rowe (12:05am): Cool, on my way.