So You Want to Be a Juggalo


{ "meta": { "start": 0, "successes": [15], "failures": [3, 14, 20], "replay_on_failure": true, "replay_on_success": true }, "pages": { "0": { "caption": "You wake up with a jolt, more excited than you can ever remember being. You've finally made up your mind, and today is the day. The day you'll finally do everything right and achieve your dreams. You practically fly out of your bed and grab a glass of the only beverage that can truly refresh you from here on out:", "image": "/assets/img/lol/juggalos/awake.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Faygo", "goto": 1 }, { "title": "Franzia", "goto": 2 }, { "title": "Fresca", "goto": 3 } ] }, "1": { "caption": "It's early and you're eager to get started becoming what you were always meant to be, but even as excited as you are, you need a quick boost to get your day started. You open a cabinet and grab:", "image": "/assets/img/lol/juggalos/cabinet.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Coffee", "goto": 3 }, { "title": "A can of white spray paint which you begin furiously spraying directly into your mouth, nose, and eyes in a naive attempt at huffing it", "goto": 2 } ] }, "2": { "caption": "You're feeling ready, sticky, and slightly less thirsty. Your vision begins to blur and skew, and you try to reach out and grab something to steady yourself, but it's too late. Eight different, fuzzy views of the ground rush up to meet you. As you fall, you scream:", "image": "/assets/img/lol/juggalos/floor.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "\"WHY DIDN'T I BUY LIFE ALERT WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE?\"", "goto": 5 }, { "title": "\"WHOOP WHOOP\"", "goto": 4 }, { "title": "\"AH SHIT, I'VE DROPPED ALL OF MY PRECIOUS, PRECIOUS BALLS\"", "goto": 3 } ] }, "3": { "caption": "You reach up to your own head and feel something there, something you've been dreading all along but were too afraid to confirm. A silly hat. \"Oh god, no,\" you say as your other hand reaches into your pocket and pulls out three small balls. Somewhere behind you, the sounds of a Fushigi Magic Ball tutorial emanate from your DVD player. \"No, please, god, no,\" you whimper pathetically as you realize that you will never achieve your dreams of becoming a juggalo now. Instead you've become something that is somehow even more universally loathed.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/juggalos/juggler.jpg", "ending": true, "actions": [ { "title": "You've become a juggler." } ] }, "4": { "caption": "You regain consciousness. It's just before dusk, and you are surrounded by a dense wood. The fading red sunlight filters between the trees. In the distance, you hear a plaintive \"whoop whoop?\" echo through the trees. You barely manage to get to your feet.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/juggalos/forest_2.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Head towards the sound", "goto": 8 }, { "title": "Head away from the sound", "goto": 9 }, { "title": "Huff spray paint", "goto": 2 } ] }, "5": { "caption": "Suddenly you see nothing but a bright, white, infinite nothingness. You look down and even your body is missing. Looks like you've died. In a blinding flash, two figures appear ahead of you floating gently in the void. \"Violent J! Shaggy 2 Dope! It's you! It's really you!\" You shout at them with your disembodied voice. \"Yes, child. We have halted the process for you. There is too much potential left in you to simply be discarded,\" they say in perfect unison. \"And so we have decided to offer you another chance. If you so choose, you may return to the mortal plane, and attempt to fulfill the promise we feel within you.\"", "image": "/assets/img/lol/juggalos/angels.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "\"WHOOP WHOOP!\"", "goto": 0 }, { "title": "\"It's fine, I'm really much more into Dave Matthews Band.\"", "goto": 6 }, { "title": "Huff spray paint", "goto": 7 } ] }, "6": { "caption": "\"So be it,\" they say with palpable contempt. The whiteness erupts into a multitude of colors that reorganize themselves into the familiar surroundings of your own home. ", "image": "/assets/img/lol/juggalos/angels_warp.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Boy that could've gone a lot worse. Wait, wh…", "goto": 3 } ] }, "7": { "caption": "\"Yeah, get at that shit, child. That's good. We'll wait,\" they say, as your face becomes coated in layer after layer of silver paint. \"Make sure you empty that bitch out real good, my child.\" All your orifices are now sealed with a silver coating and breathing is extremely difficult. \"Okay, so anyway, are you prepared to accept our divine proposal and effectuate your true destiny?\"", "image": "/assets/img/lol/juggalos/angels.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "\"WHOOP WHOOP!\"", "goto": 0 }, { "title": "\"It's fine, I'm really much more into Dave Matthews Band.\"", "goto": 6 }, { "title": "Huff spray paint", "goto": 23 } ] }, "8": { "caption": "You scream at the top of your lungs \"Fuckin whoop motherfuckin whooooop! FAMILY!\" and start running towards the distant sound as quickly as you can, hobbled by your injuries. You hear movement around you and you stop, trying to locate it. But the dimly lit forest reveals nothing to you. After a moment, you take a step forward and suddenly feel a breeze pass by your face and a loud wet slap just past you to the left. You look towards it and see a tree covered in real, literal shit. ", "image": "/assets/img/lol/juggalos/forest.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Run towards the shit-source", "goto": 16 }, { "title": "Run away from the shit-source.", "goto": 9 } ] }, "9": { "caption": "You begin hobbling deeper into the woods. Your head is throbbing and your vision is still foggy. The sun is setting rapidly now, and the already dim light is becoming dimmer and dimmer. You stumble from tree to tree, trying desperately to find someone or something before the darkness sets in, whether it be due to the coming night or your grievous head wound. The light fades as you stumble on a root and fall to the ground. You look up to find yourself in a large clearing and you hear footsteps rushing towards you. A blurred face appears above you and asks if you're okay.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/juggalos/forest_darker.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "\"Oh thank god, I'm being chased by some psychopaths, please help me!\"", "goto": 11 }, { "title": "\"Who the fuck are you assholes?\"", "goto": 12 }, { "title": "Huff spray paint", "goto": 10 } ] }, "10": { "caption": "You reach into your pocket and pull out a can of spray paint, which you then lazily spay across your face. You're so exhausted that you don't even think to inhale. \"AW, NOICE! LEMME HIT THAT SHIT!\" someone says.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/juggalos/self_spray.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "\"Fuck you get your own\"", "goto": 12 }, { "title": "Hand over the spray paint", "goto": 19 } ] }, "11": { "caption": "\"That's alright, sir, you're lucky you stumbled onto the FBI Academy Training grounds. What can you tell us about who's following you; did they do this to you?\"", "image": "/assets/img/lol/juggalos/academy.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "\"Fuck you pig, I did this to myself because I'm hardcore like Shaggy 2 Dope\"", "goto": 13 }, { "title": "\"It's the juggalos, they're trying to kill me\"", "goto": 19 } ] }, "12": { "caption": "\"Is that any way to talk to your family?\" the voice says as a blurry hand extends towards you. You grab onto it as it pulls you up from the mud. Your head feels instantly cleared as you look around and you realize you're standing in a large group of full on face painted Juggalos.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/juggalos/friendly.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "\"WHOOP WHOOP!\"", "goto": 15 }, { "title": "Huff spray paint", "goto": 15 } ] }, "13": { "caption": "He looks around at his fellow officers with a smirk. They help you to your feet and guide you towards a nearby black SUV. \"Don't worry; hop on in and we'll take you where you need to go.\"", "image": "/assets/img/lol/juggalos/suv.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Resist", "goto": 18 }, { "title": "Get in the SUV", "goto": 14 } ] }, "14": { "caption": "The door slamming shut behind you is the last thing you remember about the outside world. Your best guess is that it's been 15 years now, but it's hard to know for sure without any outside windows. The guard finishes strapping you into the chair and setting up the elaborate series of cameras and equipment pointed at your face as the scientists walk in with their clipboards. \"Trial number nine-two-six-six-b-seven, results have proven inconclusive thus far, the computer systems are still unable to successfully identify facial features of subject wearing face paint. Attempting new laser prototype twelve-alpha,\" one of them says, and the machines start to whir loudly and move closer to your face.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/juggalos/prison.jpg", "ending": true, "actions": [ { "title": "You are a permanent secret government test subject." } ] }, "15": { "caption": "\"WHOOP WHOOOOP!\" All the Juggalos shout and cheer as they welcome you into their arms and start walking out of the forest. As the trees recede, it becomes obvious that you've made it. This is The Gathering. A crowd of thousands has assembled here around a large stage, from which you hear the angelic voices of Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J. Your homies help you limp into the crowd and offer you a revitalizing Faygo. You did it. You're finally, truly a Juggalo. Your chugging is interrupted by the hatchet slamming into the back of your head, killing you instantly. \"Ah, fuck, man I really gotta lay off the meth, I thought that was a fuckin' bear.\"", "image": "/assets/img/lol/juggalos/gotj.jpg", "ending": true, "actions": [ { "title": "You win!" } ] }, "16": { "caption": "You limp in the direction whatever that was just came from, stumbling from one tree to another, your vision clouded and dark. You smell the telltale mixed scent of Faygo, blood, and crack smoke getting stronger. But you aren't the only one who does. Even with your limited sight, you know that in front of you stands a bear, ready to attack.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/juggalos/bear_attack.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "Tackle the bear", "goto": 21 }, { "title": "Turn and run", "goto": 22 }, { "title": "Huff spray paint", "goto": 17 } ] }, "17": { "caption": "You reach into your pocket and pull out a can of spray paint and start spraying it wildly, in your panic you barely even get any near your own face, but the bear gets a meaty dose. It falls back down onto four legs and growls confusedly before falling over, just absolutely high out of its mind.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/juggalos/bear_high.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "I knew the teachings of Violent J would keep me safe", "goto": 9 } ] }, "18": { "caption": "\"Oh fuck all that,\" you yell as you try to break free from their grips. You manage to wrest one hand free and continue struggling, but that comes to a quick end when seven different tasers launch fourteen individual bolts into your torso and begin electrocuting you at once. The last thing you hear is overlapping shouts of \"STOP RESISTING\" and the sound of guns being unholstered.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/juggalos/tazed.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "\"Fuuuuuc-\"", "goto": 5 } ] }, "19": { "caption": "\"That's good, that's a great first step,\" says the guy standing over you wearing an FBI windbreaker. He grabs onto your forearm as others all around you reach out to help you stand up. \"We've been keeping an eye on you and you seem like you've got some real potential to help us out here, what do you think?\"", "image": "/assets/img/lol/juggalos/fbi.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "\"Eat shit piggy!\"", "goto": 18 }, { "title": "\"I dunno, I'm kind of trying to get somewhere\"", "goto": 13 }, { "title": "\"Yeah, I guess it's my civic duty to help out if I can…\"", "goto": 20 } ] }, "20": { "caption": "Before you even realize it, twenty years have passed. You're now middle aged, sitting in a dimly lit bar, thinking back to that day in the woods when you were recruited. You wonder how differently things would have turned out if you'd said no to the agents you met. Your hand idly rubs the hatchetman tattoo on your shoulder hidden by your standard issue FBI polo shirt. You take a shot and resign yourself to never knowing.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/juggalos/bar.jpg", "ending": true, "actions": [ { "title": "You became a cop, the exact opposite of a Juggalo." } ] }, "21": { "caption": "\"WOOP WOOP, BITCH!\" You dive forward, hurling your full body mass into the bear's torso. It's so surprised by this that you actually manage to catch it off guard and knock it backwards, momentarily stunning it. You take the opportunity to run as far and as fast as you can, which in your current state is not much, but you've successfully managed to confuse and scare the bear enough to discourage it following you. It takes off in another direction with a grunt that roughly translates to: \"what the fuck is wrong with this dude, I gotta get the hell out of here.\"", "image": "/assets/img/lol/juggalos/bear_sad.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "\"That's right, you don't mess with the family, fool!\"", "goto": 9 } ] }, "22": { "caption": "You try to turn around but your foot catches on a tree root, and your weakened body collapses instantly. The bear is upon you in a second, biting and slashing. You are being torn limb from limb.", "image": "/assets/img/lol/juggalos/bear_murder.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "\"Ohhhh shit that's hardcore, yooo!\"", "goto": 5 } ] }, "23": { "caption": "\"Yeah, get at that shit, child. That's good. We'll wait,\" they say, as your face becomes coated in layer after layer of silver paint. \"Make sure you empty that bitch out real good, my child.\" All your orifices are now sealed with a silver coating and breathing is extremely difficult. \"Okay, so anyway, are you prepared to accept our divine proposal and effectuate your true destiny?\"", "image": "/assets/img/lol/juggalos/angels.jpg", "ending": false, "actions": [ { "title": "\"WHOOP WHOOP!\"", "goto": 0 }, { "title": "\"It's fine, I'm really much more into Dave Matthews Band.\"", "goto": 6 }, { "title": "Huff spray paint", "goto": 7 } ] } } }