For Fuck's Sake, Twitter: Eh? Edition

In case you somehow haven’t heard, the mayor of Toronto has been in the news recently for being completely fucking insane. Between admitting to having smoked crack and often driving drunk, and his half-apology which reasoned that these incidents were somehow less awful due to his rampant alcoholism, a plethora of evidence has been provided to prove that the mayor of Canada’s largest city is batshit nuts and should by no accounts be allowed to remain in any semblance of power.

At least, that’s what a reasonable person would think. To find out what another sort of person would think, we can turn to the forever deep in thought Twittersphere.

People Whose Votes Actually Count

In doing our typical WNV levels of research for this post (roughly six minutes of dicking around on Twitter, five of which were spent watching Ylvis videos), we discovered a number of tweets offering votes to the Mayor. However, we have a dedication to our loyal fans that runs deeper than merely showing you a number of facetious tweets and touting them as genuine, and as far as we can tell based on their histories, these people are completely goddamned serious. That’s right, they would honestly vote for the man who casually references the amount of oral sex he provides to his wife to run their entire country. And here Angela Merkel was thinking George W. Bush’s back rubs were the most awkward contact she’d have to face from a world leader.

A Gross Misunderstanding of a Gross Situation

I know this is a very confusing concept, but generally anyone who can’t contain his rage enough during the very city council meeting being held to vote on stripping him of his powers as mayor enough to stop from charging into the opposition and knocking down an older woman is not, by definition “winning.”

Not to mention the fact that the vote passed and the majority of his remaining power was successfully removed, which does in fact also make him a literal loser as well.

Actually, You Make a Decent Point…Almost

That’s right, I’m proud of my city. It’s so great, even a crackhead can run it!

Although it is great that the checks and balances of modern democracies work well enough that a deranged Chris Farley impersonator can’t successfully destroy a government from within, I don’t think the constituency’s outrage at his having smoked crack cocaine is justifiably ignorant just because he only did it once while he was drunk. I once got kicked out of a porn shop for giggling at the title “What A Fucking Workout” while drunk, and I’m still not proud of it.

Seriously, He’s Just Trying to Help

Yeah, guys, leave Rob Ford alone. He’s out there every day doing all the drugs in the city so that they don’t fall into the wrong hands. Without him, there would be an overabundance of illegal drugs on the streets of Toronto, and no one showing our impressionable youth everything they shouldn’t be doing. Does that sound like the kind of world you want to live in? I didn’t think so. Rob Ford for Earth Emperor!

Wait, What?

They gave him a fucking tv show? Canada, I expected better from you. I know we’re not setting the best example down here with our Kardashians and our Eliot Spitzers and generally just giving anyone who acts like an asshole an entire hour every week to do it on TV, but you should really know better, eh?