Teen Slang Parents Need to Worry About

Teens and cool teen slang: a combination as classic as peanut butter and jelly, as timeless as olive oil and vinegar, and as obvious as the MyPillow guy and an oil tanker’s worth of cocaine every morning. They love the stuff! But when does it cross the line from just pretending to be cool (no teen is or ever has been) into actively concealing embarrassing - or even dangerous - conversation topics from you, their well-meaning but incredibly invasive to a psychologically damaging degree parent? Are you worried that your precious baby is hiding secrets from you with coded language? You should be! They are! Fuck!

Well worry no more, because WNV is here to turn class traitor for your benefit by disclosing the meaning behind the coolest slang in use today. We’ll give up our insider knowledge from lives on the bleeding edge of coolness to give you the real truth behind what those damned kids are talking about. Sure, it may cost us some of our hard-earned street cred, but that’s a price we’re willing to pay for you, dear reader. We love you.

“Buying Real Benzos.”
“I’m Methodist Ordained.”
“Yes, absolutely sir.”
“Yes, aaaaaabsolutely sir.”
“Yes, absolutely madam.”
I’m going to smoke some pot
“I might go order Indian near grandma’s. That other shop makes overdone kachori, everyone says. Or maybe everyone’s pooping out trash (opinions).”
A crass term for male genitalia, also: schlong, porker, weinus, That Thingy™, hog, coach, dangler, swingus bingus, peanus, the instrument of your ultimate demise, eleventh finger, fuck implementation device, wee-wee, filthy banana cream pie flinger, a snake I killed by trapping inside of my pants, cock.
“You are well seasoned, good sir. I quite enjoy licking the crusted salts from your flesh and would like to engage in such at your nearest convenience.”
“You have too much flavor, my good friend. I simply cannot continue slathering upon you for it is far too overwhelming.”
“Gooch-to-gooch,” a sometimes sexual (but not necessarily) position in which the participants press their taints together for hours on end. This was popularized after an offhand comment made by Paul McCartney in an interview mentioning that The Beatles used to do this together while working on new songs.
The Dutch word for the concept of “fun,” i.e., “Wat een lol!” translates to “What a laugh!” Can you believe that shit? Absolute clown-ass prank of a language.
“Sticking articles (up my) aSSS!” Commonly used during the act, as illustrated by the skipped words and surprising change in capitalization.
perfectly fucking normal behavior, actually. Nothing worth criticizing here. A word used simply to express how okay and fine something is and that nobody should ever bother even thinking about it.
“The author of the Harry Potter series has once again made a contemptible statement about the trans community and one must laugh at the stupidity on display lest their spirit be crushed under the weight of such ignorance and hate.”
an extremely bloated Special Infected. Their mutation has caused them to produce immense quantities of bile which they attempt to vomit on the Survivors, temporarily blinding them and summoning a small Horde. Though fragile and slow, the Boomer can be dangerous to a Survivor team whose health or combat abilities are compromised.
“Tuberculosis hurts, bad!”
Liberté, Égalité, Fraternité
Your teen may be experimenting with Enlightenment ideals and beginning to form strong opinions opposing the divine right of the Ancien Régime to rule over the people. If left unchecked this could develop into full-fledged revolutionary fever before long, so we recommend having The Talk (about liberal democracy) with your teen as soon as possible.
Donkey Kong
A one-night stand that you can fill with peanut butter and just, fuckin, go to town on.
I’m Donkey Kong.