The Case Against: Destroying the Earth

Judging by most of the headlines floating around these days, you could be forgiven for thinking there’s a consensus opinion out there: that we should destroy the Earth. But here at WNV we believe in the free exchange of thought in the marketplace of ideas untainted by the unwashed hand of government regulation. Just because the mainstream media is speaking with one voice doesn’t mean they can drown out ours, and we’re ready to use it. That’s right, we think that Jim’s Meth-Induced Blogging Experience dot net and keyword RealPatriotFacts on AOL are wrong on this one. We should not destroy the Earth.

First of all, let’s talk ambiance. I can’t breathe 872 degree carbon dioxide mixed with sulfuric acid, but I also can’t breathe the absence of any matter whatsoever, so basically all of our closest alternative respiratory options are right out. If you think I’m being a primadonna about this, imagine what it would be like the first time you invite your grandma over to your new civilization on Jupiter’s moon Enceladus and she won’t stop asking you to turn the heat up above -300 °F.

Asphyxiation aside, consider the toll that such a drastic shift in sunlight would take on our selfie industry. Without the perfect natural lighting produced by our sun at the precise distance we orbit today, who knows what kind of filters our Instagrammers would have to resort to just to capture the feeling of 2:33 pm. This is the sort of issue being handwaved away by our so-called “thought-leaders” as something to worry about later, but we all know they’ll never address it head on.

We already have some pretty good stuff here on Earth, like that website that generates a picture of a person pointing at your cursor every time you move it. Actually, nevermind that would be pretty easy to move; edit this one out.

We already have some pretty good stuff here on Earth, like trees that look like they have boners.

Plus, it took me a while to finally get the good parking spot right in front of my apartment so I don’t want to have to move my car again for a while. Sure, I’ll have to move it eventually anyway because of street sweeping, but there’s always the chance I could get the same spot back the next day. And besides, who knows if this hypothetical other planetary body even has roads, let alone whether my permit will let me park there.

Just think of the years and years of historic value that would be lost if we simply threw this whole planet into the garbage and started over somewhere else. I don’t mean human history, that’s mostly pretty horrible stuff to think about that actually does make me think we should blow it up after all. No, I mean stuff like all those cool-ass dinosaurs that lived millions of years ago. We can’t exactly pack them up in PODS and ship them somewhere else, we don’t even know where most of them are!

Sure, it’s got problems and maybe a lot of them are caused by our own failure to take care of it properly, but that doesn’t mean they’re unfixable! If we work together and – oh shit wait no I just googled it for the first time, this place is fucked. We gotta get outta here, ASAP. Someone get a brick to put on the gas pedal so we can run it into a ditch and claim the insurance on it.